He's Sexy and He Knows It!

If you have followed my blog for awhile, or follow me on facebook, twitter, or instagram, you know that I'm over the moon crazy about my little Maltese named Loki.

Loki in his car seat after a spa day

 For years I've made fun of people who treated their little dogs like children.  I have to admit, I'm drinking the doggie kool-aid.  During a recent camping trip I was in my tent talking to Loki "How's my baby, are you cold?" I then heard a woman in a nearby tent say in a hushed voice, "I think she is talking to her dog."

My Loki has his own car seat.  He loves to ride shotgun, but my 13 year old won't shut up about being made to sit in the backseat when Loki is in the car, so now Loki sits mostly in the back.

Loki has been featured in Lake Minnetonka Magazine as being "The Toast of Lake Minnetonka".  Okay, they were quoting me saying that about him, but it's still in print and therefore true.

Loki gets blueberry facials and enjoys spa days with his stylist and groomer Susie Crary. He loves playing fetch and peek-a-boo.

Playing peek-a-boo

So yes, I've become one of those crazy dog loving people.  When I travel I often share readily available pics of my Loki.  When asked about my children I have to search my phone for a pic of the kids.

Don't get me wrong, I love the heck out of my kids and will not hesitate to cut you should you hurt one of them.  The thing is, they are 22, 20 and 13. The 13 year old is taller than me and won't let me cuddle him.  My children have betrayed me by growing up.

Loki will never grow up.  He will always look like a little baby puppy, letting me sing to him, cuddle him and baby him.  Friends have often said "Are you sure you don't want another child?"  Hell no! Loki is the perfect baby for me because I can still lock him in the bathroom without getting the authorities involved.

Do You Know What Your Kids Are Up To on Facebook?

With one in six people on facebook, it has become it's own country.  You wouldn't send your teenager off into a foreign land with no supervision, yet I see parents floating down the river of denial when it comes to their teens and facebook, or other forms of social media.

I joined facebook about five years ago when my teenage daughters first hopped on.  My reason for joining facebook at that time was to spy and infiltrate, ahem... I mean monitor and supervise what my teenage girls were doing online and offline.

Years later I find myself using social media such as facebook, as much as, if not more than my kids do.

I often ask other parents if they are on facebook or if they are friends with their kids on facebook.  I'm shocked by how often the answer I get back is a smug "I don't have time to sit on the internet and play on facebook."  Seriously?

Well, while you are on your high horse of "I don't have time for such nonesense," I'm seeing photos of your 16 year old doing keg stands at a frat party.

Tips For Using Facebook As a Parenting Tool

1. Teenagers are not always the smartest tools in the shed.  They will often incriminate themselves with photographic evidence of their less than legal or parent approved activities.  Even if you are friends with your kids on facebook, there are settings where they can block you from seeing certain posts or photos.  But, more often than not the ding dongs just post away in the moment.  Also, their friends post photos of their shinanigans and don't think to make the photo private or block you.  Play around with it and you can find all kinds of photos of your kids and their friends.

My own child, now turned adult, once posted a photo of herself in a garage with other underage kids drinking alcohol.  Color evidence of her not only breaking the law, but being where she wasn't supposed to be.  Of course I grounded her, had the photo taken down and copied the photo, which was posted by one of her not so bright friends.  The internet is forever people!

2. Copy photos that incrimate your kid's friends doing things that would get them in trouble with their parents.  Now this might sound strange but hear me out.  

I could ground my daugher till the cows came home, but nothing tuned up her attitude or behavior quicker than threating to go to the parents of her friends with photographic evidence of their shenanigens.  Save those photos!  

This doesn't mean I wouldn't intervene if I thought someone else's kid was truly heading down a wrong path.  I've gone to more than one parent with the bad news about what their child was up to.  I'd want to know.

3. Educate your kids on the fact that the internet is forever.  In the same way I can copy photos of their friends and their antics, so can anyone else.  

4. As they get older, pick your battles.  I was more successful in getting my daughters to take down inappropriate photos when I asked them to, rather than ordered them to.  Not that I didn't do plenty of ordering.  In time I realized if I asked politely they would remove the photos.  It saved me the trouble of having to blackmail their friends.

5. When your teen first gets online, put your rules in writing and have them sign it.  Clearly state the consequences for breaking the rules and follow through.  This starts them out on the right foot, with known boundaries.  

Online or in real life, we can't always be there to stop our kids from making mistakes, but we can sure as hell make it harder for them to do so.  Let them know you are watching!

Traveling With Babies and Why Benardryl and Booze Are Your Friend

I've been a parent for 21 years, which makes me an expert on the subject of parenting, or at least neurotic parenting.  As families wrap up their summer travels, I thought I'd share a couple of tips.

Tips For Flying With Small Children

 #1.  Don't do it.  At all cost avoid flying with little kids.  My rule of thumb is, if you can't wipe the poop off your own butt you shouldn't be on an airplane.  Save the cost and hassle of bringing your kids and hire a sitter, unless you can dump them on family members.  Take the money you will save and use it towards a romantic trip with your spouse.  Your kids will learn that they can survive just fine without you, making them more well rounded individuals.  Plus you will return home feeling refreshed and be a whole new improved parent.  We take vacations from work, and we need vacations from our kids.

#2.  Benadryl is your friend.  If it is unavoidable and you must take your screaming infant or obnoxious toddler on a flight, give them some Benadryl.  Not only will it help with sinus pressure, but they will sleep through most of the flight if you are lucky.  If you won't sedate your kids for yourself, do it for the well-being of us other passengers.

I just returned on a flight from a great trip to Puerto Rico.  Across from me a mom and a set of obnoxious, active twin toddlers sat down.  After 20 minutes of their bullshit, I kindly leaned over with my bottle of Benadryl, which I'm thoughtful enough to carry in case parents are out of their own supply.  I gave the mom a knowing smile, gave my bottle of pills a little shake and said "Would you like to use some of my Benadryl. I'm out of the children's version, but I bet they could split one pill just fine."

The young mom looked at me perplexed.  I realized she must be a first time mom and this is probably her first flight with the twins.  To clarify things for her I helpfully said "It will put them right to sleep and help with any sinus pressure from the flight." Well, this ungrateful newbie recoiled back like I was offering her and her kids meth made in my basement.

With a bitchy "No thank you!" she turned and retrieved one of the little rug rats who was standing in his seat screaming "Mine, mine!" at the people in the seat behind him.  Some people just don't recognize a life line when one is offered.  I'm pretty sure she asked to be moved as I heard the flight attendant tell her the flight was full and there was nothing she could do.

#3.  Set aside money in your travel budget to buy cocktails for all of the people your kids will no doubt annoy.  People become very forgiving when the free drinks are flying.  I learned this lesson when my 5 month old son had a sudden, unexpected case of explosive non-stop diarrhea while on a flight from Minneapolis to Tampa.  I thought 3 diapers was plenty for a 3 hour flight.  I was wrong.  You haven't experienced true suffering until you have run out of diapers, while trapped on a plane with a baby who has explosive diarrhea.

The smell was so bad I thought something had crawled up his little bum and died.  I bought multiple cocktails for the people around us and by the time the plane landed they were toasting his poor little raw butt.

What are your tips for traveling with small children?

Flying the Nest Armed With Mace

Somehow my once little girl who cut her own bangs off, then tried to lie about it while surrounded by hair and holding scissors, has become a 22 year old adult.  Technically she turns 22 in a week.

Here is a recent photo of my daughter Shelby.

Okay, that's not Shelby.  I don't know who that is.  I found the photo online and assigned it to my gay BFF James in my phone.  When he calls me that is the photo that shows up with his name.

Here is the real Shelby.

My oldest daughter Shelby

Shelby is leaving for Madrid later this week, where she will study and then backpack around Europe.  As her mother I go back and forth between being mortified and proud.

Unfortunately Shelby inherited my complete lack of a sense of direction.  I get turned around in parking lots.  If it wasn't for my GPS I'd still be trying to find my way home from last summer's road trip.

Though Shelby suffers from a similar affliction, she is much smarter than I am.  Her 13 year old brother will be screwed when she leaves if I have to help him with his homework.

Our little birds eventually leave the nest and find their own adventures.  Though I'm making sure mine does so armed with mace and basic self defense moves.  I've also made her watch the movie "Taken" with Liam Neeson, 3 times.

It's quite possible that if a stranger approaches her with the slightest hint of inappropriateness, that he will find himself with a kick to the balls and a face of pepper spray.  Some say I've gone too far with my paranoia.  They just doesn't understand what it's like to be the mother of girls.

What do you think?  Are you prepared for your kids to fly the nest?

Pageants, Pigeons, Mojitos and Bloddy Feet

I'm back home from Puerto Rico and the Ms. World International Pageant.  My good friend Tamara Jett competed as Ms. Midwest World and captured the 2nd Runner-Up spot in the competition.

Tamara Jett and Pageant Judge Beth Nordyke

As the assistant to the title holder I had quite the unique exeprience.  Some of which I've talked about in my earlier post "Please Don't Speak Directly To The Title Holder".

We stayed at the beautiful El San Juan Resort and Casino, which was definitely one of the more gorgeous hotels I've ever had the pleasure of spending time at.  I'm not sure if I was more thrilled with the surrounding beauty of the grounds and ocean, or the fact that our lovely housekeeper Carmen was cleaning up after me and making my bed.

Lobby of the El San Juan Resort and Casino

Our room which overlooked the pool and ocean

By far, the highlight of this trip was meeting people from all over the world, and making new friends.  I told Tamara that she now has some stiff competition as my BFF.

First off, the fabulous Kruger family from South Africa.  I learned we not only shared a love of mojitos, but also an agreement that peeing in the ocean was completely acceptable.

The stud muffin and I are already making plans to visit them in South Africa, where we would love to renew our wedding vows during our 15th anniversary next April.

Maritha, Jacoline and I enjoying a day of mojitos and sun

Jacoline's sister Jeanette Kruger-Hibbins placed as the 3rd runner-up in the pageant and was voted as the International People's Choice winner!  Jeantte does an amazing amount of charitable work in her homeland of South Africa.

I shared a lot of laughter with my new friends from Alabama and Michican.  Miss Mary and Miss Bertha who are sisters.  We had a blast over champagne bellinis in the hotel lobby.  I discovered that Miss Mary lived in Saudi Arabia for 11 years and that Miss Bertha will sneak off to the casino if you don't keep an eye on her.

Mary, myself and Bertha, who I think is contemplating her
 next trip to the penny slots

While Tamara was at rehearsals or at an appearance I would hightail it to the pool.  It was there that I met Chris and Bob from Virginia.  They have been together for 20 years!  They are bound by love and business as they run a successful catering and event planning business together.

These guys were the eyes and ears of the pool area, apparently witnessing quite a bit of drunken pigeon chasing by a guest who shall remain unnamed.  I hope to be able to meet up with them for dinner when I'm in Washington D.C. next month.

Chris, Bob and I on a pigeon free day

Another couple was celebrating their anniversary, having been together for 34 years.  Ava St. Pierre Cogburn and Rodney Cogburn.  Lovely people from Colorado.  Ava was a beautiful Ms. Colorado and made it to the finals.

Ava and Rod, two of the nicest people you will ever meet. PS. I stole this photo from Ava's facebook page ;)

In addition to being a gorgeous grandma, beauty queen and the woman behind the St. Pierre Skincare line, Ava knows her way around big game hunting.  She and Rodney run an outfitting business which takes people out big game hunting in Colorado.

The only hunting I've ever done has been searching for the best clearance buys at Macy's, but Ava, Rod and I will be making plans to turn me into a big game hunter and work on my survival skills.  All of which will come in handy when the Zombie Apocalypse happens.

The Eastern States were represented by Ewa Dzwierzynski and her husband Thomas Mann.  Ewa made the top 8!  She and Thomas were soooo much fun!  After the pageant Ewa litteraly danced until her feet bled.  She slapped some napkins on her wounds and kept going, hardly missing a beat.

Despite my best facebook stalking efforts, I couldn't find a recent photo of Ewa and Thomas together so I spliced together this one.

Ewa and Thomas from Rhode Island

There are so many more new friends that I could mention, but I have to get going as unlike in Puerto Rico, I don't have Carmen coming in to clean or make my bed.  I left my family home without me for a week, leaving me a mountain of laundry and cleaning to do myself.  So, I had better get to it.

Congratulations to the new Ms. World International 2012 Juanita Ingram from Great Britian.  Thank you to Stephanie Hunt for creating the Ms. World International pageant, which celebrates the beauty, elegance and sophistication of women 35 or older.

Please Don't Speak Directly to the Title Holder!

I'm in Puerto Rico for a week, supporting my BFF Tamara Jett, the current Ms. Midwest World International, at the Ms. World International Pageant.  My official title is "The Assistant to The Title Holder", and I take my role seriously.

Tamara and I shopping in Old San Juan

Tamara's schedule is packed with everything from rehearsals to visiting the home of the honorable Governor of Puerto Rico. Oddly, I wasn't invited along on that one.  I'm sure it's because I'm from Hawaii and the people of Puerto Rico resent us because our beaches are nicer.

 As the Assistant to the Title Holder I've been coordinating her social media, helping to prepare her wardrobe, and stopping the masses from speaking directly to the title holder.  Though, she keeps telling me that last part is not neccsessary and I need to stop saying "Please don't speak directly to the title holder" when the waitstaff asks to take her order in a restaurant.

Buidling her gift boxes. I don't craft for just anyone

It's not all work, work, work.  Tamara said if I did a good job of steaming her gown, I could then attend the red carpet party, which I did.

Channeling Cinderella as I steam, steam, steam

All joking aside, this has been an incredible trip so far.  I've made new friends from all over the world.  I've become particularly fond of my new friend Jacoline from South Africa.  I almost considered dumping Tamara as my BFF in favor of Jacoline.  Especially after Tamara woke my butt up at 6:00am two days in a row.

My new friend Jacoline from South Africa

Tamara and I like to say "There is no "I" in crown".  We are a team and it is Team Jett all the way!  I'm the half of the team that gets to sip cocktails poolside while she is at rehearsal.

My day in beverages

Call Me Maybe...

So I'm at home busily packing for my trip to Puerto Rico, minding my own business when I get a text message from a number I don't recognize saying, "Guess who?"

The number wasn't familiar to me at all.  Despite having bathing suits, and granny panties (the best kind to fly in, more on that in another post) strewn all over my bed as I busily packed, I played along and texted back, "Hmmm I'll need a hint."

At best I thought it could be an old friend reconnecting, and at worst someone trying to sell me Amway or make me a sister-wife.  The later two being my two top fears when meeting new people.

The hint texted back was this photo:

Though I have a significant other, I'm not dead and I have eyes.  After taking a few seconds to contemplate this photo, I realized he had the wrong number.  Okay, maybe I studied it for two minutes and I might have texted it to my college aged daughters saying "Meet your new daddy."

After awaking from fantasy land I texted him back letting him know that though I appreciated the photo, he had the wrong number.

After a few more texts back and forth he realized that he did indeed have the wrong number.  Unfortunatley he wasn't looking for a 40 something year old mother of 3 in the midwest.

Instead he was trying to reach a girl he knows named Ashley who just changed her number, but apparently incorrectly memorized my number, which is the one she gave him.

God only knows who else she may have shared my number with, though if her friends look like this guy I'm not going to complain.  There could be worse things than being sent photos of attractive young men.  Like someone trying to sell you Amway or trying to make you a sister-wife.

Tommy's Tonka Trolley - Stand-up Paddle Boarding

I'm about a 10 minute walk from Lake Minnetonka, though I'm not likely to walk to it.  I'm more likely to park near it.  This summer I've enjoyed trying to stand-up paddle boarding for the first time.

First time out

Tommy's Tonka Trolley is located right at the water's edge at the Port of Excelsior.  In addition to delicious ice cream and treats, Tommy's rents stand-up paddle boards and kayaks by the hour at a very reasonable rate.  It's not a bad idea to call 952-220-0101 and make a reservation, especially if you are wanting to rent multiple kayaks or stand-up paddle boards.

My niece & daughter failing at stand-up paddle board yoga.

It was NOT cold enough to need a wetsuit.  It had been in the 90's for days, but only in the 70's on this particular day making the girls think they were going to freeze.

I didn't think Loki was ready to try stand-up paddle boarding, so I took him out in one of Tommy's kayaks instead.

Loki loved being out on the lake with the wind blowing in his hair.  Here he is acting like a diva, trying to get me to paddle faster.

Doing the stand-up paddle board was easier than I thought it would be.  Though I hate working out, it was a fun way to get moving and see the lake at the same time.

The Secret to Weight-Loss and Looking Good!

As a woman in her early forties, in fact so early I'm pretty much 29, I've searched and searched for the secrets to beauty, youth and fitness. Preferably secrets that don't involve eating well or exercise.

It would seem that many "experts" claim there are no secrets, that one need only eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and live a good life to look and feel good.

Well, that works just fine if you are a financialy stable, single woman, who also happens to be mentally well-rounded.  Usually those of us seeking beauty and weightloss tips are married, tired, trying not to strangle our offspring, and constantly questioning our own sanity.

In my quest to look good with minimum effort, I have discovered the secret weapon for all of our beauty and fitness issues!  That secret is, "IT'S ALL RELATIVE".  I'll use myself as an example to help you wrap your head around my discovery.

Personally I could stand to loose another 10 or 15 lbs.  I don't enjoy going to the gym, and I have to work hard to not overeat. I've recently discovered how to make myself look to be in better shape than I am, in the eyes of others

I simply tell them I once weighed 326 lbs.  Compared to that, I look amazing right now!  The key is to pick a number that sounds exact, not 250 or 400.  326 sounds more exact.

These days instead of complaining to friends about how I need to loose another 15 lbs, I just tell them I once weighed 326 lbs, sit back and enjoy how amazed they are with how good I look now.  They don't see my extra 15 lbs, they see the shocking after image of someone who was once 326 lbs.  No dieting or exercise involved.

Now, I know that my secret will now be out and people will know I'm full of shit, and never weighed 326 lbs, though in truth I did once weigh 218 lbs.  326 lbs creates a better before image.  In the interest of helping my fellow females, I'm willing to take one for the team and share my secret.

You can use this same beauty tip of "It's all relative" to other issues.  If you have sickly thin lips, skip the injections and tell people you once had a cleft palate.  Do you have thining hair?  Tell people you once lost all your hair during pregnancy.  Plus you can use that one on your kids.  "36 hours of labor and I lost all my hair bringing you into the world.  The least you can do is clean your room!"

So before you exaust yourself at the gym, or spend thousands on plastic surgery remember, it's all relative.

Top 3 Places For Happy Hour in Excelsior

I've been very busy this summer doing careful research in my town of Excelsior, Minnesota to determine my favorite place for happy hour.  It was a daunting task to take on, but in the spirit of community I took it on.

There are a few things I looked for when doing my research:

1. What you got for your money.
2. Is it dog friendly?
3. Easy to get a spot at, and not over crowded with douchebags asking "Can I have your numbah?"

With summer about half way over, I can now share my findings and my Top 3 Picks for happy our in Excelsior.

#3 Biella  - Biella's has a tasty happy hour menu with excellent food.  Dave the bartender makes some of the best martini's I've ever had.  Biella was a little pricer than my top two choices, but it isn't fair to judge them based on price, as Biella is truly a higher end experience in terms of restaurant decor and quality.

I do enjoy their outdoor seating, but for happy hour you have to sit at the indoor bar, making it impossible for me to bring Loki.

The main reason they are my #3 pick is because their happy hour is only Monday-Thursday and is only an hour, from 5:00pm-6:00pm.

My friend Jill and I enjoying dinner at Biella during Excelsior Girl's Night Out

#2 318 Cafe  Their happy hour is from 3:00pm-6:00pm, seven days a week!  They have a guacamole to die for, which goes nicely with their happy hour tacos.  318 Cafe offers outdoor and indoor seating, with a recently renovated patio.  I like that they are dog friendly in that you can bring your dog with you and sit outside.  My only complaint is that the wine is often served in what looks like a glass for OJ, and the amount served seems small.

Loki and I outdoor enjoying a meat plate from 318 Cafe

#1 Jake O'Connor's Public House or as we locals like to call it "Jake's".  Their happy our is DAILY from 11:00am-6:00pm with happy hour food specials from 2:00pm-6:00pm.  For $3.00 I can get a generous pour of their house red, which is delcious.  My friend Cami and I love to share their cheese plate, which isn't on the happy hour menu but on their full menu.

When I bring Loki the staff often bring out a bowl of water for him.  They are located on the corner of Water Street and 2nd St, making it very easy for me to be found and keep "office hours" while I'm there.  I'm always running into the people I need to speak to, right there on the street, while I'm enjoying their happy hour, killing two birds with one stone.  You can find me there most Mondays from 3:00pm-5:00pm and Thursdays from 4:00pm-6:00pm

My friend Cami and I at my "desk" during my Monday office hours

The waitstaff at Jake O'Connor's are lots of fun.  Pete was my favorite waiter, but then Phil came along and made me laugh so he became my favorite.  More recently Pete really uped his game on our cheese plate and he is back on top as my favorite, at least until Phil gives him a run for his money.

Pete - My current favorite

There you have it, my top 3 pics for Best Happy Hour in Excelsior.

Is Scientology Stalking My Daughter?

As I've blogged about earlier, I grew up in Scientology and left with three generations of my family 2.5 years ago. See my earlier post Scientology: My Five Reasons For Speaking Out.

This past Saturday my 21 year old daughter, Shelby, went to visit the Church of Scientology in St. Paul, as she was curious to see their new building.  What followed was a great example of how many Scientologist are decent people, but a few are completely looney and even dangerous.

Scientology in St. Paul's Grand Opening

She went with a friend who also wanted to tour their building and see what Scientology was all about from the perspective of the Church itself.  The Scientology Church in St. Paul had been promoting on the radio that people could come in for free tours.

As the girls approached the building Kristin, a Scientology staff member who knew Shelby, was walking out of the building.  When she saw Shelby she turned around and ran back into the building like a Branch Davidian who spotted the ATF approaching.

Shelby and her friend exchanged confused glances and continued on into the building where they were greeted by Deb, the receptionist.  Deb recognized Shelby, whom she had known for years, was pleasant, friendly and said Shelby could go on a tour of the building.

A few minutes later another staff member who probably had something to do with security approached Shelby.  His name was Craig and he had also known Shelby and our family for years.  In short, Craig very respectfully and pleasantly let Shelby know that he couldn't let her tour the building because of her "status" with the Church.  He believed that she, like her mother, had been ex-communicated, or as Scientology calls it "labeled as a suppressive person".

If you are tracking with me, so far we have one staff member turning and running into the building, and two Scientology staff members who were professional, pleasant and knew how to use their words.

Shelby and her friend left the building without their tour.  Keep in mind this was Shelby's friend's first introduction to the Church of Scientology, and she wasn't really feeling the love so far.

On their way out they ran into another staff member who Shelby knew named Chris.  He knew Shelby had left the Church but still had a pleasant conversation with the girls for a few minutes.  Shelby's friend said to him, "It's sad that in a place of faith you can feel so unwelcome."  Chris responded with a smile,"Well I've been really welcoming.", to which both girls agreed.

At that moment from about 200 feet away another Scientology staff member named Karen screamed at Chris, "Chris you need to back away!" pointing her finger in a move away motion.  Chris shrugged and said "Guess I gotta go now." and awkwardly walked away as Karen came barreling down on him with her hands up in the air yelling "What are you doing!"

All of this played out on the street in front of the Church in St. Paul with other people walking by.  For a group that claims to have the solution to your relationship and communication problems, Karen sure was freaked out about Chris speaking to Shelby and her friend. Overreaction would be an understatement.

To recap: Kristen turns and runs like a Branch Davidian seeing the ATF approach, Deb and Craig were pleasant, decent, caring human beings who could communicate, poor Chris did his best to make the girls feel welcomed despite knowing Shelby had left the Church, and then we have Karen.  Karen who waved her arms around while screaming at Chris from 200 feet away, on a public street right in front of their Church.  Hmmm..... 3 out of the 5 Scientology staff members were good examples of Scientology itself, while the other two were perfect examples of what the Church of Scientology has become, a cult.

After this experience Shelby posted on Facebook, "I visited the Church of Scientology in St. Paul yesterday.  Apparently not everyone is welcome on the free tours they advertise.  When I arrived, I was promptly asked to leave."

About ten minutes after Shelby posted that on Facebook, two States away a woman, who we now realize has been stalking Shelby online, lept into action.  This woman works for another Church of Scientology in another State.  She is NOT friends with Shelby on Facebook.  For her to see Shelby's post she would have to specifically seek Shelby's page out like a creeper (as the kid's like to say) and see what she was posting.

This Scientology staff member two States away got on the phone to a friend of Shelby's who was also once in Scientology, to tell her what Shelby had posted with the obvious hopes that this friend would agree that Shelby was a bad person and not someone she should be connected to.

As is often the case with the Church of Scientology, who tends to handle rejection worse than a jilted lover, they work overtime to cut ties between people who are in the Church and those who disagree with the actions of the Church.

Shelby's friend two States away wanted none of what the woman had to say, and stood up for Shelby and their friendship.

To recap once again: Shelby goes to tour the Church of Scientology in St. Paul, speaks with three well-meaning, decent individuals who work for the Church, sees two who epitomize the reasons why the Church of Scientology is seen as a cult, and then finds out a Church of Scientology staff member in another State is stalking her on Facebook, which I'm pretty sure falls into the "Creepy cult behavior" category.

All of this is a classic example of how there are some really great people in Scientology, and some outright aggressive, stalking loonies.  If you were to use Shelby's recent experience with these six people as a yardstick, you might deduce that 50% of Scientology's staff members are well intentioned, caring individuals, and the rest are cowed cult members, or aggressive stalkers.

With those kinds of statistics it stands to reason why there has been a worldwide mass exodous out of the Church of Scientology.  The most famous departed member being of course Katie Holmes.  I can't help but wonder, if Scientology staff member Karen saw Tom Cruise on the steps of the Church speaking to Katie Holmes, would she charge at him while screaming "Tom you need to back away!"

The Minneapolis Farmer's Market, Hipsters and Cheese

Though I've lived in the Twin Cities for about 19 years, until today I've never been to the Minneapolis Farmer's Market.  The Excelsior Farmer's Market is two minutes from my house and usually where I go.

The only reason I even go to the Excelsior Farmer's Market is to buy bread and sample one of everything they have (especially the berries), until I'm full or they ask me to leave, whichever comes first.  I'm not a vegetable fan, unless it's a vegetable I can add to a cocktail, so most Farmer's Markets don't greatly appeal to me.

My friend Connie has been trying to get me to leave my bubble of the suburbs and check out the Minneapolis Farmer's Market for years.  She finally talked me into it, filling my head with visions of of aged cheeses and bread samples, my known weaknesses.  Also I thought I might meet some interesting city people. Maybe even a hipster?  Actually, I'm not sure of what a hipster is, but I think they dwell in the city and wear skinny jeans.

First off, I had no idea it was such a large market.  Secondly I didn't know they carried clothes!  Had she said that I'd have gone years ago.

As you can see from this photo is was crowded, something I'm not a fan of, which is why I live in the suburbs, but I channelled my inner New Yorker and pushed my way through, motivated in my search for hipsters, sourdough bread and a nice aged cheddar.

Connie and I enjoyed the most delicious polish sausages loaded with onions, peppers and mustard.  I would have taken a photo of it, but I wolfed it down before I thought of doing so.  I quickly learned that white capris were not the best choice of clothing when eating mustard.  The same place made a tasty lemonade lacking in only one ingredient, vodka.  Though as Connie pointed out it was only 9:00am.  She is such a stickler about things like that.

Seating was limited so we sat down at a table with what we hoped where local city folk out to load up on veges for their vegan dishes, and discuss how lame us suburbanites were.  I was ready for some deep hipster conversation while I pretended to be visiting from New York.  My name was going to be Natasha Breaderton. Well, we picked the wrong table!  Turns out we sat next to a couple also from Excelsior.  What the hell?

I did my best to ignore the Excelsior couple and instead chatted with another couple who were from Maple Grove, 20 minutes outside the Excelsior bubble, but still in the suburban bubble.  Where were the damn city folk?  It was wall to wall suburbinites. It was like going to Europe to hang out with Americans and eat at McDonalds.

Eventually I gave up on my hunt for the ellusive hipster and got busy shopping.  Thankfully I found just what I was looking for: Sourdough bread and a variety of cheeses.

Connie and I have decided that we are going to try a variety of Farmer's Markets in different cities.  I may yet meet a hipster and get to be Natasha Breaderton.

Tips For Being a Real Housewives Wanna Be & The Excelsior Girl's Night Out Tangerine Dream Fashion Show

My favorite fashion show each year is the one put on by the retailers and volunteers who bring us Excelsior Girl's Night Out.  This year's show was called Tangerine Dream.  A tip of the hat and much applause to the crew who pulled off this year's show!

I'm a huge fan of The Real Housewives franchise on Bravo.  I once had the pleasure of meeting Gretchen Christine Rossi from The Real Housewives of Orange County along with her boyfriend Slade.  Here we are at The Ultimate Pajama Party in 2011.

Tina, Gretchen, Lana, Slade and I

To pay homage to the lovely ladies on the show, I spent the day doing my best to create a "Real Housewives Wanna Be" experience.  I'm way more wannabe than Real Housewife as I probably couldn't affort to rent a bathroom in their palatial homes.

Here are some of the highlights of the day and my How to Be a Real Housewife Wanna Be Tips:

Tip #1: Get an intern. Everyone knows that a Real Housewives Wanna Be can't possibly prepare for a fashion show without help.  For this reason my friend Cami and I depended greatly on my intern Kelsey, who also happens to be my daughter.  I've since learned that true interns are NOT paid.  Kelsey we want our $80.00 back!

Notice how Intern Kelsey is careful not to look the Real Housewife Wanna Be directly in the eye or speak directly to her as she refills her champagne.

My Real Housewife Wanna Be Partner Cami with Intern Kelsey and Loki

Tip #2: Have your own hair and make-up people. It's common knowledge that a Real Housewife Wanna Be would not be caught dead doing her own hair or make-up for a fashion show. We had to have our own hair stylist and make-up artist, Ciara Pierson.  She was smart to put a giant bib on me to catch my champagne spills and cookie crumbs.  Obviously Ciara has worked with me before.  She did an amazing job, considering we had to pay her in piggy bank coins.

Miracle of miracles, Ciara worked her magic on us two hot messes, turning each of us into a true Real Housewife Wanna Be. Here we are with my sister Lana after Intern Kelsey dropped us off at the Tangerine Dream Fashion Show VIP party at Jake O'Connor's Public House aka: the happy hour place you will find me at most afternoons.

Tip #3: It's all about the VIP party and the photo op. At the VIP party I made sure that Intern Kelsey took a pic of me with my favorite Mayor, Excelsior Mayor Nick Ruehl.

Tip #4: Make sure you have a reserved seat in the front row and that everyone knows it.  Intern Kelsey managed to take a pic of her own reserved seat but not mine.  For this reason I had to fire her and am in the process of getting another intern, one I won't pay.

Tip #5: Be sure to have your own personal bodyguard when you are making public appearances.  Bodyguard Bob is always nearby to protect me from the paparazzi or any other crazies who I'm not directly related to.

Tip #6: Enjoy the show and make note of the outfits that get your attention.

I think my Stud Muffin could pull this look off

Tip #7: Be sure to pose for the paparazzi.  Here we are onstage after the show striking our best poses for the paparazzi.  Strangely most of the paparazzi had left and only two photographers were taking our photo. One of them was Intern Kelsey.  The other was a sweaty guy who kept asking the women to hug each other.

All in all the Excelsior Girl's Night Out Tangerine Dream Fashion Show was a huge success, as was my day spent being a Real Housewives Wanna Be.