Is an Eye for an Eye the Right Thing?

Featured in the Lakeshore Weekly News April 2017

During your life so far, you may have found yourself in a situation where you were hurt mentally or physically in a horrible way. How did you feel about the person who hurt you?

It seems to be human nature to want to lash out against the person who hurt you or hurt someone you care about.  An eye for an eye is the law of retaliation, but does retaliation really accomplish anything? Ghandi said, “An eye for an eye ends up making the whole world blind.”

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I’m going to share with you something that happened to me in the spirit of raising awareness.

24 years ago I was sexually assaulted. I was about 22 years old. At the time I worked for the Church of Scientology and was told not to report the assault, or seek medical attention for injuries I sustained. The church didn’t want negative attention or authorities being called to their Los Angeles complex, which is where I was at the time.

I was convinced by individuals within Scientology that I must have done something to provoke what happened to me, therefore I was solely responsible for what happened. It took me almost another 20 years and leaving Scientology to realize what happened to me was not only not my fault in any way shape or form, but it was a heinous crime that should have been reported.

Though the man who assaulted me was a stranger when I met him, I knew who he was. Soon after my assault I moved to Minnesota. I was paranoid about open windows or unlocked doors. There was a fear I lived with. Not a fear of him coming to hurt me, but the idea that someone could. It was ever present.

There was also a heavy shame that I lived with for many years. I was ashamed of what happened to me, ashamed that I didn’t do more to stop it, ashamed that I was a victim.

While I lived with my fear and shame, the man who assaulted me went on with his life. For me the fear and shame was worse than the physical assault, which might sound strange.  My bruises healed, my mind didn’t for a long time.

For years I wanted the man who assault me to feel the fear, pain and shame that I did. I didn’t wish he would die, but I wasn’t going to loose any sleep if he was assaulted himself. I thought maybe an eye for an eye would help me heal.

What did help me heal was finally acknowledging what happened to me and accepting that it was not my fault. More healing came in the last few years when I met and fell in love with a man who made me feel truly safe for the first time in a long time. The love, acceptance and thoughtfulness he shows me every day reminds me that there is more to love about life than there are things to be fearful or hateful about.

There was something else that helped me heal. I read a book called The Shack, which is now a major motion picture. There is a line in the book about forgiveness that I took to heart.  It said, “Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person’s throat.”

Eventually I was able to mentally let go of the throat of the man who assaulted me. I didn’t wish him any harm. Suprisingly, I felt a kind of pity for him when I wondered what must have happened to him in life to make him think what he did to me and possibly other women, was an ok thing to do?

Days ago I found out that the man who assaulted me 24 years ago died of cancer at age 50. It took me a few days to process the information and how I felt about it. I was surprised to realize it didn’t make me happy to know he probably died a painful death that could have been dragged out.

At the same time, I wasn’t sad about his passing. I felt compassion for his wife and young children. They are the innocents who have no idea what he did 24 years ago nor do they have anything to do with it.

His death didn’t bring me any closure or relief. That is because I realized that I already had that closure and relief. For me, I have to agree with Ghandi in that an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Healing and closure will never come from hurting someone else. Love though, love is a powerful source of healing.

Imperfectly Yours,

Natalie

What Are You Worth?

Featured in the Lakeshore Weekly News 

A series of curious coincidences in my day to day life has gotten me thinking lately about self-worth and independence. Self-worth is what we think we are worth. It is the value we place on ourselves. Do we think we deserve good things in our life, or do we believe we deserve only bad things to happen to us?

Growing up I was raised to believe that my worth could only be validated by a man. I would often hear, “No good man will want you if you don’t have good table manners. What man will want you if you don’t know how to keep a good home? What man will want you if you don’t keep yourself looking presentable.”  

It should be of no surprise that I spent most of my life seeking the approval of men who could validate my worth. For a long time the value I brought to the world, in my eyes, was only the value that the man I was with acknowledged or held in high regard. Needless to say this line of thinking was not conducive for healthy relationships. 

Simply, I had no self-worth. When you believe that you have no self-worth, you also believe that you don’t deserve for good things to happen to you, unless someone else thinks you deserve it. When you perceive yourself as having no self-worth, you mistakenly believe that the bad things that happen to you, you somehow deserved. 

At 22 I was sexually assaulted. My church/cult at the time convinced me that I should not report it to the authorities because I must have done something to make it happen. I was physically injured with bruises, I had been sodomized, and I was mentally numb. I didn’t see a doctor, I didn’t speak to the police, I didn’t even tell my own mother what happened for another 18 years. 

Up until I left the cult, and for a little while after, I believed what happened to me was my fault. I believed that the way in which a man treated me, determined my worth. If I was worth it he would treat me well. If I wasn’t, he would treat me badly. I don’t need to tell you how messed up that line of thinking is. It is how slaves are created.

The good news is I no longer think that way. During the last 5 years I’ve been working on figuring out who I am and what I want. If you read my column or my blog Adventures With Natalie regularly, you have been along for the ride. I’ve since experienced what it means to be loved and accepted for who I am, not what I can do for someone. I’ve discovered what it’s like to love and accept someone else in that same way.

I truly believe I’ve done more growing  as an individual in the last 5 years than I have my previous 40. Better late than never as the saying goes.

Through a couple of recent experiences I figured out a couple of things about self-worth and independence. My self-worth can not be determined by anyone other than myself. It is not what someone tells me or shows me my worth is. It is what I decide it is.

If someone mistreats me, or does something to hurt me, their action speaks to who they are and how they value themselves, not me. The coward who assaulted me didn’t do it because I deserved it. It was not and is not a reflection of my worth, it is a reflection of his. In truth, I feel sorry for him. How degraded do you need to feel, how much do you need to hate yourself to hurt another human being in that way? 

Being independent does not mean being alone. Being independent means you are true to yourself, and the pursuit of your goals, without needing someone else to validate that you are on the right track. You can do this alone or along side someone. 

Acceptance, love, and appreciation are all wonderful things to experience. Independence is being able to walk your own path whether someone else is giving you those things or not. At the end of the day, it is the acceptance, love and appreciation of ourselves that make us able to accept, love and appreciate anyone else. Self-worth and independence are not something to seek, but rather something to live.

Imperfectly Yours,

Natalie

I'm 15,870 Days Old and Other Confessions

During my morning social media stalking, aka: scrolling through my facebook feed, I saw a post about how a baby was 41 days old today.

After seeing the post about the baby being 41 days old I figured out that as of today I've been alive for 15,870 days.  It's not my birthday or anything, it just made me wonder how many days old I was.

During those 15,870 days I've been married, divorced, gave birth to three children, made friends, lost friends, had a mother, lost a mother, got jobs, lost jobs, spent 12,775 of those days in the cult of Scientology, and so much more.

My theme in life is to live life perfectly imperfect. That means I learn from my mistakes, and I celebrate my triumphs.  That doesn't mean I don't work to be and do better at the things I do.  It means that I strive to accept myself for who I am, flaws and all.  If I can't do that, how can I accept anyone else for who they are.

I'm the mom who sent her son to football practice wearing his nut cup upside down, multiple times, but I'm also the mom who stayed up all night taking care of him when he had a fever of 104.

I'm the daughter who put magnetic bullet holes on her mother's car, freaking her out and convincing her that a gang of angry suburban hoodlums shot up her car, but I'm also the daughter who gave her one of my kidneys when her's failed.

I'm the woman who got sloppy, sick drunk the first time he introduced me to his father, but I'm also the woman who spent two days cleaning his house so he could spend more time with his kids rather than on household chores.

I'm the friend who forgot to ask how your sick grandma's doctor appointment went, but I'm also the friend who spent more than one afternoon at happy hour with your grandparents at the assisted living facility, and loved it by the way.

I'm the sister who convinced you that it was more than acceptable to pee in a department store clothing rack when we were kids, but I'm also the sister who took you to the Spam Museum to celebrate your successful cancer treatment.

I'm the neighbor who borrowed your air matress pump and never returned it, but I'm also the neighbor who helped your child get her dream job.

In my 15,870 days I've come to realize that putting energy into trying to pretend I'm something I'm not is a waste of my days. I'm flawed and I make mistakes, but more often than not I get it right.

If I'm lucky I'll have another 15,870 days to experience and learn from. What I do know is that I have today, and tomorrow I'll have tomorrow.  I don't even regret the mistakes of yesterday because they set in motion who I am and where I am today.

It's not my birthday, but today I celebrate my 15,870 days.  Tomorrow I'll celebrate and be thankful for 15,871 days and so on and so on, striving to remain perfectly imperfect along the way.

Scientology and Lawrence Wright's Book "Going Clear"

The Church of Scientology continues to experience a massive shit storm of negative media.  It's raining turds for a group that refuses to admit any wrong doing.


Last night NBC's Rockcenter aired an interview with Oscar winning Director Paul Haggis who left Scientology, and Pulitzer Prize winning author Lawrence Wright, who just wrote a book on Scientology called "Going Clear ".

If you didn't catch last night's episode of Rockcenter you can see it here: "Director calls some Scientology teachings 'madness'."  Be sure to watch the second part, which shares what happened to one family broken apart by Scientology.  Sadly, they are one of many.

I'm amazed that the Church of Scientology thinks they can get away with claiming they don't put the screws to parishioners to "disconnect" (cut ties) with people who leave Scientology.  A big reason many remained trapped in Scientology is because they know the Church will make sure that any relationships an individual leaving has with other Scientologist is ended.

It doesn't matter if they are your mother, child, friends or bosses.  The Church fears that the few remaining Scientologist will find out what the rest of the world already knows.  It's the same reason why Scientologist are indoctrinated into believing that they can not watch or read anything that contradicts what they are told in Scientology.

When you leave Scientology your remaining friends and family are called into the Church and "briefed" on what an asshat you are.  Often they are told lies about you in an effort to turn your friends and family against you.  When my family and I left the Church, many of our friends were called in and told some pretty outrageous things about us, and why we left.

We heard from friends who told us what they were told.  They said they knew it wasn't true but had to disconnect from us or they would loose their own friends and family who remained in the Church.  They continued to believe that their spiritual freedom was in the hands of Scientology, and without it they would suffer the Christian equivalent of going to hell.

The Church even uses social media to spread the word to your friends and family across the country that they need to disconnect from you. Below is a facebook message that was cut and pasted from a message sent from a Scientologist in the Twin Cities named Megan Finstrom, who goes by Megan Parfitt on facebook.  It and messages like it were sent to multiple friends of mine on across the country.  She and other Scientologist are instructed by Church staff to do this.  The Church often has its parishioners do its dirty work, so they can appear to have clean hands.

 In Megan's case she refers people to Karen Wesling who is a Twin Cities Church of Scientology staff member and probably Megan's handler.  Megan was kind enough to even provide instructions on how to not only unfriend the Stud Muffin and I, but also my parents, just to be on the safe side.

An "HCO order" is a document that the Church creates stating your offenses against the Church, often made up.  They post this for people to see in lunch rooms and common areas, thereby warning Scientologist to stay away from you.

"PTS Type C" is Church jargon which means that we threatened to take legal action against the Church.

"Org" is short for Organization meaning the Church.

From: Facebook <notification+m-j5j51_@facebookmail.com>

Subject: Megan Parfitt sent you a message on Facebook...

To: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Date: Sunday, January 10, 2010, 3:06 PM

Subject: Important

Hi,

There is an HCO order posted in the Twin Cities org regarding Natalie and Brad Hagemo. They are declared PTS Type C. Please remove them from your facebook friends asap. Their family members should also be removed: Corey Wilcox and Donna-Gail Wilcox.

You can do this by going to "friends" and hit x for delete.

Please go into the org and see Karen Wesling if you have any questions, data to report and to view the order.

Thanks, Megan

(For those of you out of state, you can reach Karen by calling 612-338-5111)

Many friends disconnected from us.  In the three years since we left, many friends have reconnected with us.  Some have left the Church themselves, fed up with the demands for money, abuses and manipulation. Some maintain the appearance of still being with the Church, so as not to rock the boat for their friends and family who are still brainwashed by the false control the Church exerts.  Some remained disconnected completely, fearing that they risk their spiritual freedom if they were to speak to us.

The thing is, the Church of Scientology, like any cult, only has power over you if you grant them that power.  They play on an individuals fear, they use threats and other manipulative tactics.  Take back your own power and sense of self, and you see that they are nothing more than a bully on the playground.

I'm reading Lawrence Wright's book "Going Clear".  It is shedding further light on what I was involved with and why you feel trapped in Scientology.  It truly is a prison of belief.

Is Scientology Stalking My Daughter?

As I've blogged about earlier, I grew up in Scientology and left with three generations of my family 2.5 years ago. See my earlier post Scientology: My Five Reasons For Speaking Out.

This past Saturday my 21 year old daughter, Shelby, went to visit the Church of Scientology in St. Paul, as she was curious to see their new building.  What followed was a great example of how many Scientologist are decent people, but a few are completely looney and even dangerous.

Scientology in St. Paul's Grand Opening

She went with a friend who also wanted to tour their building and see what Scientology was all about from the perspective of the Church itself.  The Scientology Church in St. Paul had been promoting on the radio that people could come in for free tours.

As the girls approached the building Kristin, a Scientology staff member who knew Shelby, was walking out of the building.  When she saw Shelby she turned around and ran back into the building like a Branch Davidian who spotted the ATF approaching.

Shelby and her friend exchanged confused glances and continued on into the building where they were greeted by Deb, the receptionist.  Deb recognized Shelby, whom she had known for years, was pleasant, friendly and said Shelby could go on a tour of the building.

A few minutes later another staff member who probably had something to do with security approached Shelby.  His name was Craig and he had also known Shelby and our family for years.  In short, Craig very respectfully and pleasantly let Shelby know that he couldn't let her tour the building because of her "status" with the Church.  He believed that she, like her mother, had been ex-communicated, or as Scientology calls it "labeled as a suppressive person".

If you are tracking with me, so far we have one staff member turning and running into the building, and two Scientology staff members who were professional, pleasant and knew how to use their words.

Shelby and her friend left the building without their tour.  Keep in mind this was Shelby's friend's first introduction to the Church of Scientology, and she wasn't really feeling the love so far.

On their way out they ran into another staff member who Shelby knew named Chris.  He knew Shelby had left the Church but still had a pleasant conversation with the girls for a few minutes.  Shelby's friend said to him, "It's sad that in a place of faith you can feel so unwelcome."  Chris responded with a smile,"Well I've been really welcoming.", to which both girls agreed.

At that moment from about 200 feet away another Scientology staff member named Karen screamed at Chris, "Chris you need to back away!" pointing her finger in a move away motion.  Chris shrugged and said "Guess I gotta go now." and awkwardly walked away as Karen came barreling down on him with her hands up in the air yelling "What are you doing!"

All of this played out on the street in front of the Church in St. Paul with other people walking by.  For a group that claims to have the solution to your relationship and communication problems, Karen sure was freaked out about Chris speaking to Shelby and her friend. Overreaction would be an understatement.

To recap: Kristen turns and runs like a Branch Davidian seeing the ATF approach, Deb and Craig were pleasant, decent, caring human beings who could communicate, poor Chris did his best to make the girls feel welcomed despite knowing Shelby had left the Church, and then we have Karen.  Karen who waved her arms around while screaming at Chris from 200 feet away, on a public street right in front of their Church.  Hmmm..... 3 out of the 5 Scientology staff members were good examples of Scientology itself, while the other two were perfect examples of what the Church of Scientology has become, a cult.

After this experience Shelby posted on Facebook, "I visited the Church of Scientology in St. Paul yesterday.  Apparently not everyone is welcome on the free tours they advertise.  When I arrived, I was promptly asked to leave."

About ten minutes after Shelby posted that on Facebook, two States away a woman, who we now realize has been stalking Shelby online, lept into action.  This woman works for another Church of Scientology in another State.  She is NOT friends with Shelby on Facebook.  For her to see Shelby's post she would have to specifically seek Shelby's page out like a creeper (as the kid's like to say) and see what she was posting.

This Scientology staff member two States away got on the phone to a friend of Shelby's who was also once in Scientology, to tell her what Shelby had posted with the obvious hopes that this friend would agree that Shelby was a bad person and not someone she should be connected to.

As is often the case with the Church of Scientology, who tends to handle rejection worse than a jilted lover, they work overtime to cut ties between people who are in the Church and those who disagree with the actions of the Church.

Shelby's friend two States away wanted none of what the woman had to say, and stood up for Shelby and their friendship.

To recap once again: Shelby goes to tour the Church of Scientology in St. Paul, speaks with three well-meaning, decent individuals who work for the Church, sees two who epitomize the reasons why the Church of Scientology is seen as a cult, and then finds out a Church of Scientology staff member in another State is stalking her on Facebook, which I'm pretty sure falls into the "Creepy cult behavior" category.

All of this is a classic example of how there are some really great people in Scientology, and some outright aggressive, stalking loonies.  If you were to use Shelby's recent experience with these six people as a yardstick, you might deduce that 50% of Scientology's staff members are well intentioned, caring individuals, and the rest are cowed cult members, or aggressive stalkers.

With those kinds of statistics it stands to reason why there has been a worldwide mass exodous out of the Church of Scientology.  The most famous departed member being of course Katie Holmes.  I can't help but wonder, if Scientology staff member Karen saw Tom Cruise on the steps of the Church speaking to Katie Holmes, would she charge at him while screaming "Tom you need to back away!"

Scientology: My 5 Reasons For Speaking Out

The Tom Cruise/Katie Homes divorce has put a spotlight on the Church of Scientology, and not in a way they would like.  In recent years news of abuse, intimidation, coerced abortions and other human rights violations has been shared with the public at large.

Katie Homes and Tom Cruise

The Tampa Bay Times did a multi-part series called The Truth Rundown, exposing much of what has been going on behind the doors of the Church of Scientology.  Former Church executive Marty Rathbun has been running a blog exposing their cult like behavior, which has been running rampant under current leader and Tom Cruise's buddy, David Miscavige.  Rathbun recently wrote a book that does a great job of explaining how the Church of Scientology became a cult.  It's called "What is Wrong With Scientology?: Healing Through Understanding".

Former Scientology Executive Marty Rathbun

There was a time when people who left Scientology were afraid to speak out about what they saw or experianced, that caused them to leave.  With the internet and the mass exodous from the Church of Scientology, this is no longer the case.

Having grown up in Scientology, and having left two years ago, I have my own viewpoint on Scientology and the Church of Scientology and I'm very comfortable sharing it.  I don't see the two as one in the same.  For this reason I've been open to and have  spoken out about the subject.

My reasons for doing so are these:

1. The Church of Scientology has become a cult under the leadership of David Miscavige.  What other Church contacts your friends and family in person, via facebook, and instructs them to cut all ties with you when you leave?  The head of a worldwide religion shouldn't be physically beating his staff.  Read those Tampa Bay Times articles or Amy Scobee's book "Abuse at the Top".  Or "Blown for Good" by Marc Headley.  David Miscavige's abusive behavior has been attested to by a large number of witnesses, including former Church executive Debbie Cook who suffered some of the worst abuse, which she recently testified to in court.

2. Others who came before me spoke out and helped to open my eyes, confirming my suspicions of what was going on in the Church turned cult.  I know how much this helped me and my family, and I'm willing to return the favor in hopes that it helps someone else.

Scientologist KNOW something is wrong within the organization, but they are indoctrinated to disregard their feelings of doubt.  They are indoctrinated to believe that anyone who speaks out against the Church has crimes they have committed and are doing so only because they are "bitter apostates", as the Church likes to call us.  I'm thinking of having a shirt made that reads "Apostate and Proud".  Additionaly they are NOT allowed to read or watch anything that speaks against the Church, especially its leader David Miscavige.  If they do, the church must "handle" them by discrediting the source of the information so as to put the parishioner back on the path of no doubts, complete with blinders.

When I left I spent 6 hours with two members of the Church of Scientology's Sea Organization.  I agreed to meeting with them because I wanted to see for myself how the dog and pony show went. They flew to Minnesota with the sole purpose of putting my blinders back on.  They laid out print outs of comments I made on facebook in regard to Scientology, and went over the names of facebook friends of mine that they wanted me to cut ties with.  Can you say stalker?

When they realized I wasn't going to go back into the dark, they were left only with threats of excommunicating me, thereby forcing my friends who remained in the Church to "disconnect" from me.  I was willing to lose friends if that was what it meant to live free.  I've never once regretted that decision.

3.  My mother Donna-Gail Wilcock died this past October.  She too had left the Church after being reprimanded and invalidated because she was no longer physcially well enough to volunteer her time or donate money.  Local Church executives at the Twin Cities Church of Scientology went so far as to try to get her husband to divorce her so that he could work for the Church, something my mother didn't want him to do.  He stood by my mother and their 20 year marriage.  He also left the Church after this, along with the rest of us.

My mom and I on one of our many adventures after leaving Scientology

Simply, when my mother was no longer a resource to the Church she gave 35 years of her life, time and money to, she was treated with disrespect and disdain.  When she died none of her lifelong "friends" in the Church sent any condolensces, and trust me when I say they knew about it.  When the Church of Scientology doesn't approve of your friends or family, you no longer have them as friends or family, despite your history with them, despite how they helped you in the past.  They call this "disconnection" and is part of the mind control exerted by the Church.

4. Scientology as a philosophy has and can be helpful when you aren't trying to harm people with it as is the case with most self-help practices.  I'm an ex-Scientologist, but I have many friends who continue to practice Scientology when they leave the Church.  I support their right to do so.  I have friends in the current Church of Scientology.  My issues are not with them but with the corrupt organization running Scientology into the ground, taking many good hearted people with it.  In many ways it is for them that I speak out about what I know to be true.

The numbers of Scientologist who are pretending to be "good Church following Scientologist" but have in truth left the Church, is astounding.  Many don't officially leave because they have family, friends, or business connections who will remain, or they think they will.  You aren't allowed to discuss your doubts about the Church with other members or they will report you to the Church for doing so, even their own friends and family.  It's part of the conditioning and mind control.

5. Because I can.  The Church of Scientology has no power over me anymore.  I've lost friends when I left, but I've since learned that love and friendship shouldn't be conditional upon your blind devotion to a group.  Some of the friends I lost early on have rekindled our friendship as they have come to the same conclusions that I have.

I haven't nor am I now speaking out to "Get my name out there" which is what current members are being told as the Church scrambles to do damage control from this most recent fallout.  As a columnist, blogger and busybody in my community my name has been out there for years.

I speak from the heart, based on my experiance and what I know to be true.  I'm open to hearing any questions or comments anyone has, even the ones from the Church turned cult.