How Do You Define What a Family Is?

Featured in the Sun Sailor

Today’s modern family looks different than it did even several years ago. We have same sex parents, straight parents, step-parents, adoptive parents, grandparents and more, who make up a family in a household.

I’m divorced with three adult children. I live with my love Tony who has two young children, who I’m very involved in raising. We have his boys 50% of the time. Tony and I are not married, nor do we have plans to get married. We are a family and have been for a little over three years.

Tony and I on a recent adventure in Mexico

It takes time, work, patience and acceptance to blend a family. It was an adjustment for the young children, for my older children and for all of the adults involved in raising them. All in all I’m proud of the job we have done and continue to do. 

With all of our kids, even who took a baseball to the mouth

Over time the boys came to me and asked if they could say I was their step-mom because at times it was easier to explain who I was to friends and teachers. They said that I was so much more than their dad’s girlfriend, even if we weren’t married. Since then they have introduced me as their “Bonus mom” or “Step-mom” or just as “Natalie.” I refer to them as my “Bonus kids” or “Step-kids”. They are fine with either. Regardless of labels we know we are a family.

When we have the boys I coordinate their schedules, and work my work schedule around them. We made the decision to design our lives so that one of us, and as often as possible both of us can be with the boys when we have them. I couldn’t be more dedicated to these kids if they were of my own blood. My grown children equally adore them as does my family.

On school forms or sports forms you have to check a box to explain your relationship to the child. There is no “Dad’s girlfriend” or “Bonus mom” box so we always put step-mom. It’s also how I introduce myself to their teachers. Trust me when I tell you school officials don’t take “Dad’s girlfriend” as seriously as they do “Step-mom.”

We had an incident recently where one of the kids was sick at school. The number to call is mine because I’m easier to reach during the day than their dad.  The school nurse on duty refused to tell me what was going on because I was “Not a real parent.” That is what she kept saying to me, “I need to speak to a real parent.” She said, “You are not a real parent.”

This is after I explained that not only was I their step-mom but I was on the emergency contact form. If you have kids in the Minnetonka District, you know there is an area online called CareDox that we fill out for emergency contact information etc.

Now, If I were not listed as an emergency contact I would not fault the school nurse on duty for not communicating with me. What I would fault her for is being incredibly rude. She actually hung up on me when I was mid-sentence explaining again that I was not just a “Real parent”, but an emergency contact.

I called her back and let her that regardless of what was going on, I did not appreciate being hung up on. I point blank told her she was rude.  I then went online to the CareDox forms, took a screen shot of the form that showed I was listed as an emergency contact and emailed it to the school.

Shortly after I received a call from a different school nurse saying they didn’t check CareDox because they were still using an old system. They allowed me to pick up my step-son who was sick.

There isn’t much that rattles me, but that incident left me bothered. First off, I was listed as an emergency contact authorized to pick up the child. The error in missing that on the school’s part is one thing, but what truly bothered me was that this woman thought it was okay to tell me I was not a “real parent.”

I wonder how she defines who and what a parent is? I have designed my life and schedule around these kids. I take care of them, live with them. I work with them on homework, sports, life lessons etc. All the things I did for and with my biological children.

The boys themselves will tell you I’m a parent as would their mom and dad.  Their mom and I coordinate everything for the boys. A blended family is a team effort, one that sometimes comes with issues as does any family. It isn’t always easy, but at the end of the day we are doing this together and I appreciate the efforts of all of the adults involved.

I’m not letting one person’s unenlightened view of what a parent or family is define our family. I’m sharing about it with the hope of shedding light on the fact that families today come in all different shapes and sizes.

Charles Dickens said it well, “Family not only need to consist of merely those whom we share blood, but also for those whom we’d give blood.”

Imperfectly Yours, 

Natalie

My Vagina is a Portal & My Top 3 Parenting Tips

Yesterday I had all three of my offspring home together.  With two kids in college, this is no longer an everyday occurrence.  The older two go to school and live about an hour and twenty minutes away, they often come home to shop for free in my pantry, ask for money or steal my hairspray.

It seems that having college aged kids is like paying for the privilege of being robbed by panhandlers with great hair.

Despite my perfectly imperfect parenting style, these three kids have turned out to be pretty dang awesome.  It's not like they can walk on water or one of them has cured cancer or anything, but that they are creative, productive human beings pursuing their dreams.

Having been a parent for going on 23 years now, I consider myself to be somewhat of an expert on the subject.  As an expert, I will be sharing with you my "Top 3 tips for parenting teens."

I'm also convinced that my vagina is a portal, a portal that amazing people come out of.  Though, I'd like to state for the record right now, this portal closed to anymore babies.

The three amazing people who came out of my vaginal portal

TOP 3 TIPS FOR PARENTING TEENS 

1. This first one helped my girls navigate the teenage world of touchy feely boys. In regard to underage dating the rule is:

If you would do it with your father, you can do it with your boyfriend.  The beauty of this rule is that each time that boyfriend tries to cop a feel where he shouldn't be, your daughter will think about her father and be thoroughly grossed out and push him away.  This one totally worked with my girls!

2. Your teenager does NOT have the right to privacy.  They can earn the privilege of privacy by making good life choices.  The second you detect the possibility of shenanigans, you get busy getting to the bottom of it. Make sure there is a trash can in your teens room and go through it regularly.  If you see your teen emptying their own trash, immediately dumpster dive and find what they are trying to sneak out.

3. Learn and use social media. Follow them and their friends on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.  If you find photos of their friends engaging in behavior their parents wouldn't approve of, download those photos.  Use them later to blackmail your own teen into better choices, otherwise you send the pics to the parent of the offender.

A note on #3:  Of course if you find out their friends are truly doing something dangerous, by all means inform the kid's parents.

Mother's Day, Sex Toys and Good Friends

I've been dreading Mother's Day most of this last week. On Mother's Day last year, I was back home in Hawaii scattering my mom's ashes into the ocean, with my sisters, my friend James, my father and a Pastor.

Scattering Mom's Ashes and Flowers

Though I've come a long way in being at peace with my mother's passing, significant dates still bite me in the ass.  Mother's Day this year was no exception.  All week long I could feel a dark cloud forming over me and I knew a meltdown was coming.

It happened the day before Mother's Day in a grocery store parking lot. The thought of buying groceries to celebrate Mother's Day was suddenly more than I could handle. I sat in my car, thankfully parked far from the entrance, and had myself a state of the art meltdown, complete with the "ugly cry". The "ugly cry" is when your sobbing resembles a cat hacking up a fur ball, while snot cakes your face.  It's not attractive.

My friend Cami texted me and I admitted I was having a meltdown in the grocery store parking lot, made worse by the fact that I was about out of tissue and really had to pee.  She offered to come get me, but I ended up driving to her house for a very therapeutic chat. After some great TLC from Cami and her dog Pluto, I was able to head home.

I spoke to my daughter before I left Cami's and warned her that I was having a rough time because I missed Grandma, but I would be okay and home soon.  Like many kids, my kids can be selfish pains in the butt, but they really come through for me when I need them.

I arrived home to a clean house, my favorite pasta, and three kinds of cake!  My kids know what to do when mom is in crisis and they went into action.  They also gave me my Mother's Day presents.  When I pulled my first present out of the bag I thought it was a sex toy, which made me think "Geez they really are going all out to handle my stress.". Turns out the "Electric Rabbit" is an electronic corkscrew for opening wine.

Now keep in mind my two older girls are 22 and 20, and inherited my open sense of humor, so it was possible that they had gotten me a sex toy for Mother's Day.

Not a sex toy

The kids hung out with me, and we devoured the pasta and cake.  We watched spooky movies and I even took a nap, which I almost never do. Grief is exhausting.

I woke up on Mother's Day feeling a bit better, but still fairly depressed.  I wanted to just spend the day under my blanket in bed.  After crying away most of the prior day, my eyes were puffier than a puffer fish.

Unfortunately no one in my house was thoughtful enough to have had hemorrhoids recently.  If they had, we would have had Preparation H in the house, which would have done wonders for the bags under my eyes.

We headed to Lago Tacos for brunch. I made it through most of the meal, but then had to leave for the car when my grief overwhelmed me again.  If I was a more attractive crier I may have just remained at the table, but we all now know I am not, so for the good of the other diners I retreated to the privacy of my car.  I'm thoughtful like that.

In the last 24 hours I've gone from a very dark place, back into the light of life, because I'm surrounded by people who care and want to help.  Sometimes I just have to let them.

Top 3 Tips For Parenting Teens

In some parts of the country kids have already returned to school.  Here in Minnesota we have just under two weeks to go until the mother's in this State are able to collectively exhale a sigh of relief.

For now, I'm down to one almost 14 year old boy living at home.  I say for now because I'm sure my two older girls will eventually boomarang home after college.

Many moms have kids going into High School for the first time.  I'm asked all the time for my tips on how to handle teen dating, discipline and more.  Okay, maybe I'm not asked so much as I push my parenting tips off on others.  Regardless, here you are and you are welcome.

My Top 3 Tips on Parenting Teens

1. Dating: If you would do it with your father, you can do it with your boyfriend.  This is what I told my daughter's when we discussed boundaries when dating as teens in high school.  They might sit close to dad, hold his hand and even kiss him on the cheek.  Anything they are willing to do with dad they can do with their boyfriend.

The great thing about sharing this tip with your teens and making it a rule, is that each time a boy makes a move on your teenage daughter, she will immediately think of her father.  My daughters have told me it is a total buzz kill as far as romance goes, therefore this works.  I'm not saying they won't possibly need therapy later.

2. Discipline: Contact your cell phone service provider and set it up so that you can shut off your teen's phone instantly.  Once kids stop believing in Santa there isn't much you can hold over them.  Whipping out your phone and threatening to call Santa to share that they are refusing to clean their room doesn't work anymore.  

What does work is shutting down their cell phone.  Most service providers have a way of doing this quite easily.  It takes a simple phone call to shut it off and a phone call to turn it back on, once your teen becomes compliant.  This handles the issue of sometimes not being able to physically take the cell phone from them.

3. Wardrobe: Wear your daughter's inappropriate clothes to her school.  Teenage girls often like to dress like hoochies.  The solution to this is simple.  The next time your daughter puts on a low cut top that screams "Cheap and desperate", threaten to wear it to pick her up from school.  Trust me when I say you only have to follow through on this one time before she knows you are serious.

Yes, it can be a little uncomfortable as a parent to show up looking like a hooker at your teen's school, but as parents we have to sacrafice for the well-being of our kids.

Any of these tips for teenage girl's will work with teenage boys as well.

Kids, Cookies, and the TSA

After 22 years of parenting I've learned that a dash of dysfunction is healthy.  It serves to develop a sense of humor in kids and adults.  It takes talent to maintain the correct balance of dysfunction.  Enough to be able to appreciate the humor in our pitfalls, but not enough to require us to be checked into a facility.

My kids have not experienced true dysfunction in terms of abuse, addiction or severe mental illness.  The worst they can complain about is that I embarrass them and I tend to be neurotic.  They have learned to live with this, and accept me for who I am, as I have worked to accept them for who they are.

Because I strive to live a perfectly imperfect life, I can hardly expect my kids to get it right all the time, or to do or experience things as I would.

I've done quite a bit of traveling and consider myself to be a savvy travler. I'm the person you want to get behind going through airport security, which I usually breeze through because I know what I'm doing.

My oldest daughter Shelby just left for a study abroad program in Spain.  Despite the fact that she has traveled quite a bit, she continues to have issues at airport security.  Here is a text I received from her after I dropped her off at the airport.

Several years ago Shelby was patted down after TSA agents found handcuffs in her carry on bag.  I don't recall why she needed handcuffs when flying from Minneapolis to Sacramento, but apparently at 13 she did.

My middle child is almost 20, in college, and has been out of the house for about a year.  She is only an hour and a half drive away and comes home every few weeks to see her siblings, and grocery shop in my kitchen.  Here is a text I received from her letting me know she was coming home.  She is addicted to apps that make her look portly or old.

My son Jared is almost 14.  He went on a tour of museums in Chicago.  I had visions of Jared and I discussing our favorite artists over hot chocolate upon his return.  Alas, he did not transform into an art appreciating son.  Instead he spent most of the trip turning sculptures into hat models, using his own hat, and texting me the photos.

At the end of the day our kids are like cookies.  As parents we pick and mix the ingredients, but we can't guarantee how they will look or taste out of the oven.

How do your kids surprise you?

Do You Know What Your Kids Are Up To on Facebook?

With one in six people on facebook, it has become it's own country.  You wouldn't send your teenager off into a foreign land with no supervision, yet I see parents floating down the river of denial when it comes to their teens and facebook, or other forms of social media.

I joined facebook about five years ago when my teenage daughters first hopped on.  My reason for joining facebook at that time was to spy and infiltrate, ahem... I mean monitor and supervise what my teenage girls were doing online and offline.

Years later I find myself using social media such as facebook, as much as, if not more than my kids do.

I often ask other parents if they are on facebook or if they are friends with their kids on facebook.  I'm shocked by how often the answer I get back is a smug "I don't have time to sit on the internet and play on facebook."  Seriously?

Well, while you are on your high horse of "I don't have time for such nonesense," I'm seeing photos of your 16 year old doing keg stands at a frat party.

Tips For Using Facebook As a Parenting Tool

1. Teenagers are not always the smartest tools in the shed.  They will often incriminate themselves with photographic evidence of their less than legal or parent approved activities.  Even if you are friends with your kids on facebook, there are settings where they can block you from seeing certain posts or photos.  But, more often than not the ding dongs just post away in the moment.  Also, their friends post photos of their shinanigans and don't think to make the photo private or block you.  Play around with it and you can find all kinds of photos of your kids and their friends.

My own child, now turned adult, once posted a photo of herself in a garage with other underage kids drinking alcohol.  Color evidence of her not only breaking the law, but being where she wasn't supposed to be.  Of course I grounded her, had the photo taken down and copied the photo, which was posted by one of her not so bright friends.  The internet is forever people!

2. Copy photos that incrimate your kid's friends doing things that would get them in trouble with their parents.  Now this might sound strange but hear me out.  

I could ground my daugher till the cows came home, but nothing tuned up her attitude or behavior quicker than threating to go to the parents of her friends with photographic evidence of their shenanigens.  Save those photos!  

This doesn't mean I wouldn't intervene if I thought someone else's kid was truly heading down a wrong path.  I've gone to more than one parent with the bad news about what their child was up to.  I'd want to know.

3. Educate your kids on the fact that the internet is forever.  In the same way I can copy photos of their friends and their antics, so can anyone else.  

4. As they get older, pick your battles.  I was more successful in getting my daughters to take down inappropriate photos when I asked them to, rather than ordered them to.  Not that I didn't do plenty of ordering.  In time I realized if I asked politely they would remove the photos.  It saved me the trouble of having to blackmail their friends.

5. When your teen first gets online, put your rules in writing and have them sign it.  Clearly state the consequences for breaking the rules and follow through.  This starts them out on the right foot, with known boundaries.  

Online or in real life, we can't always be there to stop our kids from making mistakes, but we can sure as hell make it harder for them to do so.  Let them know you are watching!

Traveling With Babies and Why Benardryl and Booze Are Your Friend

I've been a parent for 21 years, which makes me an expert on the subject of parenting, or at least neurotic parenting.  As families wrap up their summer travels, I thought I'd share a couple of tips.

Tips For Flying With Small Children

 #1.  Don't do it.  At all cost avoid flying with little kids.  My rule of thumb is, if you can't wipe the poop off your own butt you shouldn't be on an airplane.  Save the cost and hassle of bringing your kids and hire a sitter, unless you can dump them on family members.  Take the money you will save and use it towards a romantic trip with your spouse.  Your kids will learn that they can survive just fine without you, making them more well rounded individuals.  Plus you will return home feeling refreshed and be a whole new improved parent.  We take vacations from work, and we need vacations from our kids.

#2.  Benadryl is your friend.  If it is unavoidable and you must take your screaming infant or obnoxious toddler on a flight, give them some Benadryl.  Not only will it help with sinus pressure, but they will sleep through most of the flight if you are lucky.  If you won't sedate your kids for yourself, do it for the well-being of us other passengers.

I just returned on a flight from a great trip to Puerto Rico.  Across from me a mom and a set of obnoxious, active twin toddlers sat down.  After 20 minutes of their bullshit, I kindly leaned over with my bottle of Benadryl, which I'm thoughtful enough to carry in case parents are out of their own supply.  I gave the mom a knowing smile, gave my bottle of pills a little shake and said "Would you like to use some of my Benadryl. I'm out of the children's version, but I bet they could split one pill just fine."

The young mom looked at me perplexed.  I realized she must be a first time mom and this is probably her first flight with the twins.  To clarify things for her I helpfully said "It will put them right to sleep and help with any sinus pressure from the flight." Well, this ungrateful newbie recoiled back like I was offering her and her kids meth made in my basement.

With a bitchy "No thank you!" she turned and retrieved one of the little rug rats who was standing in his seat screaming "Mine, mine!" at the people in the seat behind him.  Some people just don't recognize a life line when one is offered.  I'm pretty sure she asked to be moved as I heard the flight attendant tell her the flight was full and there was nothing she could do.

#3.  Set aside money in your travel budget to buy cocktails for all of the people your kids will no doubt annoy.  People become very forgiving when the free drinks are flying.  I learned this lesson when my 5 month old son had a sudden, unexpected case of explosive non-stop diarrhea while on a flight from Minneapolis to Tampa.  I thought 3 diapers was plenty for a 3 hour flight.  I was wrong.  You haven't experienced true suffering until you have run out of diapers, while trapped on a plane with a baby who has explosive diarrhea.

The smell was so bad I thought something had crawled up his little bum and died.  I bought multiple cocktails for the people around us and by the time the plane landed they were toasting his poor little raw butt.

What are your tips for traveling with small children?

Flying the Nest Armed With Mace

Somehow my once little girl who cut her own bangs off, then tried to lie about it while surrounded by hair and holding scissors, has become a 22 year old adult.  Technically she turns 22 in a week.

Here is a recent photo of my daughter Shelby.

Okay, that's not Shelby.  I don't know who that is.  I found the photo online and assigned it to my gay BFF James in my phone.  When he calls me that is the photo that shows up with his name.

Here is the real Shelby.

My oldest daughter Shelby

Shelby is leaving for Madrid later this week, where she will study and then backpack around Europe.  As her mother I go back and forth between being mortified and proud.

Unfortunately Shelby inherited my complete lack of a sense of direction.  I get turned around in parking lots.  If it wasn't for my GPS I'd still be trying to find my way home from last summer's road trip.

Though Shelby suffers from a similar affliction, she is much smarter than I am.  Her 13 year old brother will be screwed when she leaves if I have to help him with his homework.

Our little birds eventually leave the nest and find their own adventures.  Though I'm making sure mine does so armed with mace and basic self defense moves.  I've also made her watch the movie "Taken" with Liam Neeson, 3 times.

It's quite possible that if a stranger approaches her with the slightest hint of inappropriateness, that he will find himself with a kick to the balls and a face of pepper spray.  Some say I've gone too far with my paranoia.  They just doesn't understand what it's like to be the mother of girls.

What do you think?  Are you prepared for your kids to fly the nest?

Whose Your Mama?

Boating with my baby

This Friday is the 20th anniversary of my becoming a parent, otherwise known as my daughter Shelby's 20th birthday, in fact her golden birthday since it is on the 20th.  It also marks the point where I will have been raising my kids for half of my life.  For anyone slow with math, I'm also turning 40 in a few weeks so if my daughter is 20, I've been parenting half my life.

20 years of scraped knees, of chasing after runaway turtles (they are faster than you think), of meeting imaginary friends, having birthday parties for said imaginary friends, of finding more uses for duct tape than I care to admit, and mostly 20 years of wondering how time was going by so fast.

Shelby who I used to piggy back around the yard, now towers over me by a good 4 inches and is in college.  She just took her first road trip on her own and someone safely crossed state lines without me sitting there telling her what to do every step of the way.

Seems like just a few years ago I was duct taping my middle daughter Kelsey into her diaper at night so she couldn't take if off in the morning and attempt to recreate the Mona Lisa on her wall with its contents.   In a few weeks she will be a senior in High School.   Now the only duct tape I use on her is the one I throw at her as I yell at her to tape her own mouth shut when she gets smart with me.

My baby, my son, my Prince Jared is going into the 6th grade.  How the hell did that happen so fast?  My little baby who used to play with my hair while he fell asleep now has his own cell phone and won't let me hug him in public.

I've had many adventures in my life but I must say, though parenting has not been the most rewarding, it continues to be the most worthwhile adventure of all.  Maybe the rewarding part is still to come.  The part where my kids grow up, become rich and take care of their father and I in our old age.  Allowing me to spend my twilight years drinking red wine in Italy while writing a travel column for the AARP.

Cheers to Shelby's golden birthday and cheers to half a lifetime  engaged in a meaningful, worthwhile adventure of a lifetime.

Parenting a Young Adult

My kids are 11, 17 about to turn 18 and my oldest will be 20 in a few weeks. For awhile I've been struggling with transitioning from parenting children to parenting young adults.

It's a transition I've resisted for awhile. I still order off the kids menu for my 17 year old and make her see a Pediatrician. Both things she is refusing to do anymore. I can't seem to bring myself to see her as anything but the 12 year old little girl she once was.

How do I go from directing their play dates to letting them choose their own friends? Especially when a few of these friends display the common sense a tomato.

Yesterday I went on a portage with my three kids and my brother in law in Northern Minnesota. My kids and I shared a canoe while my brother in law followed in a kayak. I was comfortable with the three of them in the canoe with me and had two of them helping to paddle, while I paddled and steered the canoe.

The kids helped to carry the canoe and our gear when we crossed land and went into a neighboring lake. I realized how much easier this is to do at their age and size.

While we were stopped on land for a picnic lunch, my two oldest girls decided they wanted to swim across the lake to a campsite they could see. This freaked me out. "No way" was my first response. They were both excited about doing it and confident in their abilities.

I told them they could do it if they wore life jackets. Of course, they said no way. Then my brother in law suggested he follow them in the kayak with the lifejackets in case they needed them. My youngest and I would canoe across and meet them there.

Reluctantly I agreed to this. My son safely in his life jacket and I loaded the canoe and made our way across the lake. I sat on the shore watching the girls make their way across. When they had to rest they floated on their backs and may have even grabbed onto the kayak, but they never grabbed the life jackets, which were right there if they needed them.

They both made it and were very proud of themselves as was I. Watching them swim across I realized that maybe that was the difference between parenting children and parenting young adults. With children wearing the life jacket is mandatory. As they get older maybe it is okay to have the life jackets within reach as they learn how far they can swim without it.

As my older kids learn to find their own boundaries, I'm trying to stay in the canoe and let them. It isn't coming easy, but it's coming.