To Smile or Not to Smile - How do you Selfie?

Ross Sveback is not just a lifestyle expert who manages to elevate the everyday, he is a lover of crotch selfie pics (with clothes of course), he is also a very good friend of mine and regular partner in my adventures in living perfectly imperfect.

Ross has been trying to convince me that "No one who is anyone smiles in selfies anymore." I have a hard time keeping a straight face in a photo without cracking up. Plus, my attempts at looking cool and mysterious come across more like looking constipated and confused.

Take a look here.

The Non Smile Selfie

Natalie rocking the constipated and confused look

How We Really Look

How are you doing your selfies? Smiling, sultry no smile? What's the verdict?

Asian Fish Pedicure: Fish Eat Your Feet?

Have you heard of those Asian Fish Pedicures you can get where tiny little fish nibble at the dead skin on your feet? Well, there is such a thing. Popular in Asia and New York, the Asian Pedicure has yet to catch on here in Minnesota. I thought I'd help kick start the trend here.

I couldn't find a place that offered this service in the Twin Cities, so I decided to try and create my own. Of course this isn't something you do alone, so I called my friend Kris and said "Hey, I'm doing something involving little fish, wine and it may make you uncomfortable, you in?" Always up for an adventure her response was "What time are you picking me up?'

After a bit of research I realized I probably couldn't find the "Asian fish" that are used, but I figured minnows would work. So off to my favorite bait shop we went for Fathead Minnows. At $3.99 a scoop this Asian Pedi was going to be a steal.

No Asian Pedi is complete without wine so we swung by my favorite wine shop Excelsior Vintage for a little wine tasting. Note that we did not leave the fish alone in the car, but responsibly brought them in with us.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please enjoy this short video covering our adventures in trying an Asian Fish Pedicure with a Minnesota twist.

As it turns out Fathead Minnows will not eat the dead skin off of your feet, nor will they paint your nails. At the end of the day I did what I should have done to start, I called A La Mode at 50th and France in Edina and made an appointment for a real manicure and pedicure, fish free.

I'm 15,870 Days Old and Other Confessions

During my morning social media stalking, aka: scrolling through my facebook feed, I saw a post about how a baby was 41 days old today.

After seeing the post about the baby being 41 days old I figured out that as of today I've been alive for 15,870 days.  It's not my birthday or anything, it just made me wonder how many days old I was.

During those 15,870 days I've been married, divorced, gave birth to three children, made friends, lost friends, had a mother, lost a mother, got jobs, lost jobs, spent 12,775 of those days in the cult of Scientology, and so much more.

My theme in life is to live life perfectly imperfect. That means I learn from my mistakes, and I celebrate my triumphs.  That doesn't mean I don't work to be and do better at the things I do.  It means that I strive to accept myself for who I am, flaws and all.  If I can't do that, how can I accept anyone else for who they are.

I'm the mom who sent her son to football practice wearing his nut cup upside down, multiple times, but I'm also the mom who stayed up all night taking care of him when he had a fever of 104.

I'm the daughter who put magnetic bullet holes on her mother's car, freaking her out and convincing her that a gang of angry suburban hoodlums shot up her car, but I'm also the daughter who gave her one of my kidneys when her's failed.

I'm the woman who got sloppy, sick drunk the first time he introduced me to his father, but I'm also the woman who spent two days cleaning his house so he could spend more time with his kids rather than on household chores.

I'm the friend who forgot to ask how your sick grandma's doctor appointment went, but I'm also the friend who spent more than one afternoon at happy hour with your grandparents at the assisted living facility, and loved it by the way.

I'm the sister who convinced you that it was more than acceptable to pee in a department store clothing rack when we were kids, but I'm also the sister who took you to the Spam Museum to celebrate your successful cancer treatment.

I'm the neighbor who borrowed your air matress pump and never returned it, but I'm also the neighbor who helped your child get her dream job.

In my 15,870 days I've come to realize that putting energy into trying to pretend I'm something I'm not is a waste of my days. I'm flawed and I make mistakes, but more often than not I get it right.

If I'm lucky I'll have another 15,870 days to experience and learn from. What I do know is that I have today, and tomorrow I'll have tomorrow.  I don't even regret the mistakes of yesterday because they set in motion who I am and where I am today.

It's not my birthday, but today I celebrate my 15,870 days.  Tomorrow I'll celebrate and be thankful for 15,871 days and so on and so on, striving to remain perfectly imperfect along the way.

Travels, New Friends and Becoming Mommalicious

I've been traveling around the New England area working on my book inspired by my blog.  For now I'm calling it "Becoming Mommalicious".

When I'm home I'm way too distracted to just sit and write for hours.  I have a household of misfits to keep in line and alive. Then there are the hours I spend taking pictures and videos of my dogs, which I then have to post to facebook, vine, instagram and twitter.

Early morning with Loki

Plus there are "work" responsibilities, the projects the Stud Muffin makes me do so I "Don't forget what real work is."  Then there is my Outside the Box column for the Lakeshore Weekly, and my usual blogging.  Plus all those happy hours don't just happen.  They take planning, coordination and time.

Recent VIP Party at the Excelsior "Fash Splash" Fashion Show

Don't even get me started on how much of a time sucker being the town busybody is.  I have sources to meet with, openings to attend, and an endless stream of handsome men to keep track off.  As a service to my community, I do my best to discover and keep track of all the good looking men in the Lake Minnetonka area.  It's these kinds of selfless acts that consume my time when I'm home, making it almost impossible for me to focus on my book.

Being forced to watch half naked men at a Fashion Show

In my travels I've met some interesting people and I've had some very let's say, interesting encounters, but you will have to wait for the book to read about some of those.

For now though I'd like you to meet my new friend Joe who I met in Connecticut.  I'm convinced he is related to the guys from Duck Dynasty.  Joe won't admit to that, but I'm thinking he just doesn't want all the attention.   He is a man of few words, but let me tell you, his eyes and quiet nods speak volumes.

I explained to Joe in painstaking detail how distraught I was over the fact that my dogs continued to eat their own poop, despite my best efforts to curb this behavior. After about 35 minutes of my sharing, Joe looked at me, gave me an eyebrow raise and nodded.  That look said it all!  I got the message.  I need to just accept them for who they are, even if they are shit eaters.

Joe is very wise.  I wish I could take him with me to my next destination.

"Best Of 2013" Lake Minnetonka Magazine Awards Party

Lake Minnetonka Magazine just hosted their "Best Of" party where they announced the winners of their annual "Best Of Lake Minnetonka" awards. This is one of my favorite parties of the year, and not just because they provide free wine, though that is a definate bonus.

The June issue of Lake Minnetonka Magazine lists all of the 2013 winners. We were able to get our sweaty hands on copies last night.  Some of the winners were no surprise, whereas a few were shockingly surprising.

Reading about the winners of the Lake Minnetonka Mag Best Of 2013
Photo by Susan Austin

As the winners were announced it was obvious that businesses in the Excelsior area were racking up the awards.  It was no surprise that Joey Nova's won for Best Pizza.  I'd personally like to thank Joey Nova's for their great delivery service, which has kept my kids fed many a night when I couldn't be home.

The fabulous team from Joey Nova's winning Best Pizza
Photo by Susan Austin

The Excelsior Brewing Company won the Best Small Business Customer Service Award.  They really are known for fabulous service and having a friendly staff, not to mention wonderful beer with a delightful kick.

Excelsior Brewing Company
Photo by Susan Austin

I'm lobbying Lake Minnetonka Magazine and asking that they add a category called "Best Looking Staff".  The Excelsior Brewing Company would take that one hands down.  That place is staffed with good looking guys.  It's almost ridiculous.  Above you have John and Rob both total cuties, pictured with Rob's wife who is just gorgeous.  Then there is Amar and Ben pictured below.  There are even more hot guys working there than the ones I'm showing here.  They serve my beer how I like it; tall, dark and handsome.  Maybe they should do a "Men of the Excelsior Brewery" calendar? Hmmm.....

Ben and Amar delivering growlers from the Excelsior Brewing Co.
Photo by Susan Austin

Best Non Profit Charity went to a personal favorite of mine, the ICA Food Shelf.  Congratulations to Cathy Maes, her staff and all of the volunteers that make the services of the ICA possible.

ICA Food Shelf Director Cathy Maes
Photo by Susan Austin

Excelsior area businesses went home with almost half of the 30 awards given out.

A few of the awards that went to Excelsior area businesses
Photo by Susan Austin

All in all it was a fabulous night.  By the end of the night I had reunited with friends I hadn't seen for several years, and also committed to zip lining with Kerfoot Canopy Tours.  They are opening in Belle Plaine in June.  I really need to stop committing to things when the wine is flowing.  Pictured below are the guys who will be holding my life in their hands when we go zip lining in a few weeks.

Kerfoot Canopy Tours
Photo by Susan Austin

Be sure to pay attention when the voting starts next year for the Best Of Lake Minnetonka 2014.  A full list of winners can be found here: Lake Minnetonka Magazine Best Of 2013.  Yours truly is also in the June issue of Lake Minnetonka Magazine sharing my favorite places to shop: Retail Border Battle.

Here is a bonus photo for you.  My friend Annette is visiting from Texas and came along to see how we party in Lake Minnetonka. I'm not quite sure what is going on in this photo or why Susan Austin thinks I should give her a piggy back ride.  I think it's what happens when you let the photographer out from behind the camera, shenanigans ensue.  Just some good clean fun.

Susan, Annette and me keeping it classy at the Carlson Towers
Photo by: Bob Edmondson

Mother's Day, Sex Toys and Good Friends

I've been dreading Mother's Day most of this last week. On Mother's Day last year, I was back home in Hawaii scattering my mom's ashes into the ocean, with my sisters, my friend James, my father and a Pastor.

Scattering Mom's Ashes and Flowers

Though I've come a long way in being at peace with my mother's passing, significant dates still bite me in the ass.  Mother's Day this year was no exception.  All week long I could feel a dark cloud forming over me and I knew a meltdown was coming.

It happened the day before Mother's Day in a grocery store parking lot. The thought of buying groceries to celebrate Mother's Day was suddenly more than I could handle. I sat in my car, thankfully parked far from the entrance, and had myself a state of the art meltdown, complete with the "ugly cry". The "ugly cry" is when your sobbing resembles a cat hacking up a fur ball, while snot cakes your face.  It's not attractive.

My friend Cami texted me and I admitted I was having a meltdown in the grocery store parking lot, made worse by the fact that I was about out of tissue and really had to pee.  She offered to come get me, but I ended up driving to her house for a very therapeutic chat. After some great TLC from Cami and her dog Pluto, I was able to head home.

I spoke to my daughter before I left Cami's and warned her that I was having a rough time because I missed Grandma, but I would be okay and home soon.  Like many kids, my kids can be selfish pains in the butt, but they really come through for me when I need them.

I arrived home to a clean house, my favorite pasta, and three kinds of cake!  My kids know what to do when mom is in crisis and they went into action.  They also gave me my Mother's Day presents.  When I pulled my first present out of the bag I thought it was a sex toy, which made me think "Geez they really are going all out to handle my stress.". Turns out the "Electric Rabbit" is an electronic corkscrew for opening wine.

Now keep in mind my two older girls are 22 and 20, and inherited my open sense of humor, so it was possible that they had gotten me a sex toy for Mother's Day.

Not a sex toy

The kids hung out with me, and we devoured the pasta and cake.  We watched spooky movies and I even took a nap, which I almost never do. Grief is exhausting.

I woke up on Mother's Day feeling a bit better, but still fairly depressed.  I wanted to just spend the day under my blanket in bed.  After crying away most of the prior day, my eyes were puffier than a puffer fish.

Unfortunately no one in my house was thoughtful enough to have had hemorrhoids recently.  If they had, we would have had Preparation H in the house, which would have done wonders for the bags under my eyes.

We headed to Lago Tacos for brunch. I made it through most of the meal, but then had to leave for the car when my grief overwhelmed me again.  If I was a more attractive crier I may have just remained at the table, but we all now know I am not, so for the good of the other diners I retreated to the privacy of my car.  I'm thoughtful like that.

In the last 24 hours I've gone from a very dark place, back into the light of life, because I'm surrounded by people who care and want to help.  Sometimes I just have to let them.

Adventures in the Excelsior Luck O' The Lake 5K

As you may have read earlier on my blog, I've signed up for three 5Ks but I had never done one, until this past Saturday.  The Jake O'Connor's Luck O' the Lake 5K was my very first!

Tina and I modeling our race attire. Photo by Susan Austin

From the left: Deb and Tina who ran ahead, me and Jill who stuck with me. Photo by Susan Austin

About 500 people dressed in a variety of St. Patrick's Day outfits showed up for the run in Excelsior.  The run benefited the Excelsior - Lake Minnetonka Chamber of Commerce and the community events it supports. It started at the Excelsior Brewery, and ended at Jake O'Connor's Public House aka: our local Irish Pub. 

If you know me, you know I am NOT a runner.  But, boy did I run when that race started.  I ran until there wasn't a camera in sight.  Then I started walking.  I'm out of shape, and not crazy.  Vain, but not crazy.

Evidence of my running.

Eventually I realized I was in the back of the pack, and pulling up the rear.  Apparently the police car behind me was not my personal escort, but was the cop car at the end of the run protecting the runners. I tried not to take the occasional gunning of his engine as a "Hurry the heck up", but more as a sign of support.

Two of my girlfriends (Jill and Alex), who are in much better shape than I, abandoned their dignity and stuck with me, even though I had to mostly walk.  The cold 19 degree winter air wasn't doing my Hawaiian lungs any favors either.  

Being one to make lemonade out of lemons, I treated the last mile as a parade, breaking out my pageant wave to the passing cars and volunteers on the sidelines.  I thought of asking the police officer behind me if I could ride on his car and wave, like in a real parade, but my girlfriends said it wouldn't count as finishing the 5K if I did that.

At just under 50 minutes after starting, I crossed the finish line.  Not so much to fanfare, as to the sound of people breaking down tables and packing up.  Even my police escort abandoned me a block earlier.  My two girlfriends stood with me arm in arm and we crossed the finish line, completing my first ever, and possibly last 5K.

If it hadn't been for the Chiropractic treatment I've been getting at SuNu Wellness Center, especially for my knee, I may not have been able to finish at all. I'm a work in progress.  Maybe by the time the 2nd Annual Luck O' The Lake rolls around next year, I'll be ready to do more running in it, or at least not come in last.

Much fun and celebration followed at Jake O'Connor's Irish Pub.

After party with the girls.

Note: Thank you Susan Austin Images for two of the above photos.

Why I'm Giving Up Swearing Like a Sailor for the Middle East

If there is one bug I have it's the "Travel Bug".  In way it's kind of odd that I love to travel so much, as I hate going more than 10 minutes from my home for any of my day to day activities such as: the grocery store, happy hour, the gym, happy hour, or whatever else.  The gym I hate overall, but I've been twice this week, which is a record for me and why I included it.

I've fondled the nipples of sculptures in Paris, I've experienced the all-inclusive gluttony of Mexico.  I've gotten lost in the streets of London and have jet skied in Aruba.  I've stayed up all night in Vegas and have spent hours taking in the beauty of Central Park in New York during the Fall.  From road trips to Mount Rushmore to ghost hunting in New Orleans, I've hit many but not all of the hot spots in the U.S.

Well, there has been one international destination on my bucket list that I have contemplated, which will become a reality later this year. This Fall I'm going to Dubai!

Dubai

Dubai is known for many things, including its opulence.  My travel partner for this grand adventure will be none other than one of my very best friends, James.  James traveled with my sister and I to Hawaii last year when we scattered my mom's ashes.  Below is a photo of James after he protected us in the waters of Hawaii by fighting off a Tiger Shark.  I still think it was a local fish, but we are going along with the "Shark" story.

James protecting us from "Sharks".

If you are a long time reader of my blog, you know that James and I have had many adventures together.  I'll be spending the next several months learning what I can about Dubai, the culture, the etiquette there, and I'll also learn some basic Arabic.

The thing I know right off the bat is that I have to stop swearing like a sailor, as you can NOT swear out loud in public in Dubai.  Yesterday I said the "S" word only once, so I'm off to a good start. I told James he should do the same and start now, as his potty mouth makes me sound like a Kindergarten teacher.

We will explore the parties, the fashion, the sights but also the people and the culture.  I'm really looking forward to learning more about Dubai and its people.  One thing we won't be doing is going to their indoor ski park.  I'm not leaving snowy Minnesota for the desert to go skiing.

Battling the Plague While My Dogs Talk to Me

For the last several days I've been doing battle.  I've been battling a plague that my son brought home from that germ pit known as "school".

For two days I was sick, then on the third day I felt fabulous, so I ran around town all day celebrating my last day of summer.  Unfortunatley, probably infecting the masses while I was at it.  Please accept my apologies if we were in close proximity on Thursday.  I truly felt fine that day.

Apparently this virus lulls you into a false sense of security, making you think you are well, so that you will go forth and spread it, ensuring its survival among the peoples of Earth.  The day after running around town, I woke up feeling worse than I did the first two days.

Needless to say, aside from sleeping, doing shots of Nyquil, and taking hundreds of photos of my dogs, jack shit got done this last week.

"Hold my bone, shit just got real!"

TJ and Loki are in my lap in this next photo.  It just occured while looking at this pic, that though I've been showering, I've been wearing these PJ pants, those socks and this sweatshirt for four days. Note to self: Change clothes today.

"Did you just fart?"

These dogs have some nerve! For the record I did not fart.  As a female I am incapable of such activities.  When the dogs started talking to me, I realized that it was time to back off on the Nyquil.

Another sign that you need to back off on the cold meds is when you check your phone in the morning, and realize that you emailed the following photo to multiple friends telling them that you found the perfect entertainment for their holiday party this year.

My friend James needs to take some responsibility for that one, being that he sent that photo to me first, which is how it got in my phone to begin with.  He is such a bad influence on me, which is of course why I love him.

Anyways, today is a new day.  At this moment I'm still feeling under the weather, but I'm going to shower, change my clothes, maybe even put a bra on and pants that zip and button.

Washington Politics, Future Husbands, and a Dab of Semen

This was my annual trip to Washington D.C. as a representative from Minnesota at the "Zero Summit to End Prostate Cancer."  I became involved with advocating for Prostate Cancer Research through my BFF Tamara Jett, whose father has fought Prostate Cancer.

Tamara and I traveled together to the summit, and visited with our State lawmakers to advocate for support in tackling a cancer that effects 1 in 6 men. You may remember my BFF Tamara from "Please Don't Speak Directly to the Title Holder" and our trip to Puerto Rico a few months ago.

Tamara and I seeing if the Obamas were at the Capitol and wanted to hit happy hour with us.

No such luck on having happy hour with the Obamas, so we went to a Congressional Reception instead.  We were happy to be reunited with our friend John who is a Physician's Assistant in St. Cloud Minnesota.  We met John at last year's summit.

Natalie, John and Tamara at the Congressional Reception

John is a great guy, and very knowledgable.  During the summit I realized that I may have over medicated myself and feared I would OD right then and there on the floor of the Summit while Congressman Barrow was giving a speech.

I didn't want to interrupt what was a fabulous talk, so I texted John who was two seats over to make sure he knew what medications I was taking, so he could share that info with the paramedics should I pass out.  John assured me that it was impossible to OD by taking Zyrtec, Midol and Advil together.  I think his phone died after that because he stopped responding to my text messages.

Aside from what we learned in the summit, I learned a few other things about Washington D.C.

1. You should never say "Let's photo bomb that press conference" in front of police holding giant guns while at the Capitol.  For those who don't know, "photo bomb" means to jump in the photo when you aren't supposed to be in it.

2. You can not take photos in the cafeteria of the Senate building, or you will meet the Secret Service, who will eye you intently until you leave.

3. D.C. is a great place to meet potential husbands for your daughters.

I met a very impressive young man at the Summit who is at the top of my list for potential husbands for one of my daughters.  He spends his summers in D.C. interning, when he isn't back in high school in Miami.

He is too young for my daughter now, but I gave him my card and said to stay in touch as in 10 years I thought they could make this work. He liked her photo, so I have high hopes.

They left our table and never returned shortly after we spoke, but I'm sure it's just because they wanted to go add "Marry Natalie's daughter" to their future calendars.

Tamara and I have traveled quite a few times together and we work like a well oiled machine.  Despite that a few things occured that made me question her commitment to our friendship.

First off, on our return home she refused to switch seats with me when I found a semen stain on my seat.  I always give her the window seat because she likes to lean on it and sleep during our flights.  I'm thoughtful like that.  She knows how grossed out I get by these kinds of things, but she remained unhelpful during my plight, beyond laying down a piece of paper for me to sit on, covering the semen stain.

It's obvious what this is!

On the next leg of our flight there was a seat between Tamara and I.  Thankfully one without body fluids that we could see.  I decided to kick my shoes off and spread out a little, so as to decompress from the last flight and trauma.

Tamara had the audacity to say my feet were "hummin", which apparently means the same as stinky.  After all I had been through, you would think she would be more understanding.

Tamara giving my feet the evil eye

I sat in semen on the other flight to ensure her comfort.  I thought it a bit rude that she would complain about an alleged slight odor. I gave her a chance to redeem herself by buying matching cheesehead hats while we laid over in Wisconsin, but she would have nothing to do with it.

Me trying to get Tamara into the spirit of Wisconsin

Washington D.C. is always a great place to visit.  The Prostate Cancer Summit was a success and we were even able to squeeze in some fun, shop for a husband for my daughters, and narrowly escape getting an STD from an airplane seat.

Puppies, Humping and Hoping for Strippers

Like most new mothers I'm short on sleep and showers.  Work isn't getting done.  My hair is in a permanent greasy ponytail and I'm running late to everything.  Totally not my normal.

The kids and I would like for you to meet the reason why I'm currently rocking the homeless chic look.  Say hello to our newest addition, TJ.

TJ during his first trip to the store for his own leash

TJ will never replace Dexter, but he is helping us to heal, and he is proving to be a fabulous addition to our family.  Here he is with his brother Loki, who joined our family almost two years ago.

TJ and Loki, keeping it real

We wanted to name him "Thor" being that his brother's name is Loki, but after spending time with him we realized it wasn't a good fit.  Based on our first day with him I wanted to name him "The happy humper", but the stud muffin said that was too long a name. We settled on TJ, which is short for Thor Junior.

The happy humper having his way with Loki

TJ is about 13 weeks old right now and is a Maltese, Long Haired Chihuahua mix.  He came from the same breeder as Loki, who is a Maltese.  

I'm looking forward to having TJ fully potty trained, and use to our home and routine.  I don't function well without sleep. Yesterday I tried to sign a credit card receipt with a tampon I pulled out of my purse.

Today I had a belated birthday lunch with my friend Tina.  I'm sure I sounded either drunk or like a stroke victim.  Breaking in a new puppy is not a sleep friendly activity.

When I walked into the restaurant to meet Tina, late of course, my birthday surprise caused me to jump out of my dazed, sleep deprived fog.  Tina showed me what she had gotten me for my birthday.  There stood a  tall, dark and handsome man, with arms that could lift a water buffalo.

How you doin?

I thought to myself , finally someone got me a stripper!  I've been asking for one for years.  Though  I was surprised that this was going to go down in the middle of a restaurant, but hey I was tired and needed the boost so who was I to question the situation.

Just when I was ready to start pulling dollar bills out of my purse, Tina pointed out the flower arrangement that the Greek God was holding.  Apparently the flowers, not the man, was my present.

Despite the misunderstanding we had a lovely lunch served to us by Mr. Hot Body, who turns out was our waiter, Nick.

I definitely need to start getting more sleep.

Weekend From Hell

After my hellish weekend, I'm ready for some good news of any kind to dissipate the stench of despair that lingers within the walls of my home.

The weekend started with saying goodbye to Dexter, our four legged family member of 13 years.  He passed peacefully in the lap of his one and only boy, my son.

The day after I spent 12 hours on a couch on my porch, covered in pastry crumbs and snot.  It was the day before my 42nd birthday, and the first birthday since my mother passed away.  Try as I might, I could not get off that couch or out of my PJ's.  Loosing Dexter and facing my birthday without my mom brought up so many emotions.

My friends stopped by, bringing me treats for my birthday in an effort to cheer me up.  Though I appreciated the gesture I reminded them that my temporary depression would pass, but diabetes was forever, so enough with the baked goods.

After a good night's sleep, thanks to unisom, which I'm careful not to abuse. My friend James and I have vowed to go to unisom rehab together if our unisom use ever gets out of hand.

When my birthday morning arrived I felt like a new person.  I had a fabulous tear free birthday filled with calls, texts and facebook birthday wishes.

This weekend was a very tough one.  Though, I was reminded that I have some pretty fabulous, caring people in my life.  From friends to family, I'm truly blessed and thankful that these people continue to put up with me.