What Are You Worth?

Featured in the Lakeshore Weekly News 

A series of curious coincidences in my day to day life has gotten me thinking lately about self-worth and independence. Self-worth is what we think we are worth. It is the value we place on ourselves. Do we think we deserve good things in our life, or do we believe we deserve only bad things to happen to us?

Growing up I was raised to believe that my worth could only be validated by a man. I would often hear, “No good man will want you if you don’t have good table manners. What man will want you if you don’t know how to keep a good home? What man will want you if you don’t keep yourself looking presentable.”  

It should be of no surprise that I spent most of my life seeking the approval of men who could validate my worth. For a long time the value I brought to the world, in my eyes, was only the value that the man I was with acknowledged or held in high regard. Needless to say this line of thinking was not conducive for healthy relationships. 

Simply, I had no self-worth. When you believe that you have no self-worth, you also believe that you don’t deserve for good things to happen to you, unless someone else thinks you deserve it. When you perceive yourself as having no self-worth, you mistakenly believe that the bad things that happen to you, you somehow deserved. 

At 22 I was sexually assaulted. My church/cult at the time convinced me that I should not report it to the authorities because I must have done something to make it happen. I was physically injured with bruises, I had been sodomized, and I was mentally numb. I didn’t see a doctor, I didn’t speak to the police, I didn’t even tell my own mother what happened for another 18 years. 

Up until I left the cult, and for a little while after, I believed what happened to me was my fault. I believed that the way in which a man treated me, determined my worth. If I was worth it he would treat me well. If I wasn’t, he would treat me badly. I don’t need to tell you how messed up that line of thinking is. It is how slaves are created.

The good news is I no longer think that way. During the last 5 years I’ve been working on figuring out who I am and what I want. If you read my column or my blog Adventures With Natalie regularly, you have been along for the ride. I’ve since experienced what it means to be loved and accepted for who I am, not what I can do for someone. I’ve discovered what it’s like to love and accept someone else in that same way.

I truly believe I’ve done more growing  as an individual in the last 5 years than I have my previous 40. Better late than never as the saying goes.

Through a couple of recent experiences I figured out a couple of things about self-worth and independence. My self-worth can not be determined by anyone other than myself. It is not what someone tells me or shows me my worth is. It is what I decide it is.

If someone mistreats me, or does something to hurt me, their action speaks to who they are and how they value themselves, not me. The coward who assaulted me didn’t do it because I deserved it. It was not and is not a reflection of my worth, it is a reflection of his. In truth, I feel sorry for him. How degraded do you need to feel, how much do you need to hate yourself to hurt another human being in that way? 

Being independent does not mean being alone. Being independent means you are true to yourself, and the pursuit of your goals, without needing someone else to validate that you are on the right track. You can do this alone or along side someone. 

Acceptance, love, and appreciation are all wonderful things to experience. Independence is being able to walk your own path whether someone else is giving you those things or not. At the end of the day, it is the acceptance, love and appreciation of ourselves that make us able to accept, love and appreciate anyone else. Self-worth and independence are not something to seek, but rather something to live.

Imperfectly Yours,

Natalie