Why Condoms Remind Me of My Mother and How a Tampon Saved My Life

My mom didn't always understand me, but she always accepted me.  Thankfully we shared a healthy sense of humor.  If we hadn't she may have strangled me before I got to High School.

The five words I've heard most from her were "What is wrong with you!"  It was always a statement and not a questions, usually following me putting magnetic bullet holes all over her car, or throwing fake dog poop at her after convincing her it was from one of her dogs.

It's been 11 months since my mom died.  I've been thinking about her more often as the anniversary of her death approaches.  Today I was at Target for pens, though I ended up coming home with pens and these sexy footie PJs, which I know the Stud Muffin will just love.  They just scream "Take me now big boy!"

I was also in the pharmacy section looking for some acne wash for the teenage boy when I came upon the condom and lubrication area.

The condoms reminded me of my mom because I would often take her to Target and throw a bunch of multi colored condoms in her cart when she left it unattended.  She would only find them when checking out as she embarrassingly tried to explain to the cashier that they weren't hers.  I would be one lane over pretending not to know her and laughing my ass off as she yelled, "What's wrong with you!" across the aisle.

I was merely trying to show her that she needed to be more alert when shopping.  She had a bad habit of leaving her purse in her cart and walking off to look at something. So you see, my prank had a point.  In truth I was teaching her personal safety.  Maybe the next time she thought about walking off from her cart she would remember the condoms and not do so, thereby protecting herself from purse thieves and random people who might throw condoms in her cart.

After doing this to her on three different occasions, she stopped walking away from her purse in the cart.  The more I reflect on what it must have been like to have me for a daughter, the more I realize someone should have given her a medal.

The same goes for my significant other.  He rarely questions my behavior.  Once in awhile he comes across a mystery surrounding me that he just must get to the bottom of.  As was the case when he found this cup with a tampon and a piece of chewed gum in it, in my car.

Him: "I hate to ask, but why was there a tampon with blood on it, in a plastic up along with chewed gum in your car?"

Me: "That tampon saved my life the other day.  I was at the bus stop picking up the kid, when a wound on my arm started bleeding profusely!  I couldn't find a tissue to stop the massive hemorrhaging that was occurring, so I did what any fast thinking ER Doc would do.  I took a tampon out of my purse and used it to stop the bleeding.  I put it in the cup because it was the hygienic thing to do.  The gum was there because I was done chewing it and I don't throw things out of the car window because I'm civilized like that."

I didn't tell him that I was picking at a mole/wart thing on my arm, which he told me NOT to do, and that is what was bleeding.  Thankfully he didn't ask why I was bleeding, he was only concerned with why the tampon was there.

Him: (Sarcastically) "Well I suppose that makes sense now doesn't it?"

Me:  "Would you rather I bled to death at the bus stop?  Our son would have found me, bloodied and dead because I didn't think outside the box and use a tampon to save my own life!"

He knew what I was saying made sense, so he just walked away.  He knows he can't win these arguments with me as my logic is impeccable.  It's also why he usually doesn't want to ask in the first place.  He has learned to not put me in a position where I have to explain myself.  Sometimes it's just easier to let it go, and keep going.