My Vagina is a Portal & My Top 3 Parenting Tips

Yesterday I had all three of my offspring home together.  With two kids in college, this is no longer an everyday occurrence.  The older two go to school and live about an hour and twenty minutes away, they often come home to shop for free in my pantry, ask for money or steal my hairspray.

It seems that having college aged kids is like paying for the privilege of being robbed by panhandlers with great hair.

Despite my perfectly imperfect parenting style, these three kids have turned out to be pretty dang awesome.  It's not like they can walk on water or one of them has cured cancer or anything, but that they are creative, productive human beings pursuing their dreams.

Having been a parent for going on 23 years now, I consider myself to be somewhat of an expert on the subject.  As an expert, I will be sharing with you my "Top 3 tips for parenting teens."

I'm also convinced that my vagina is a portal, a portal that amazing people come out of.  Though, I'd like to state for the record right now, this portal closed to anymore babies.

The three amazing people who came out of my vaginal portal

TOP 3 TIPS FOR PARENTING TEENS 

1. This first one helped my girls navigate the teenage world of touchy feely boys. In regard to underage dating the rule is:

If you would do it with your father, you can do it with your boyfriend.  The beauty of this rule is that each time that boyfriend tries to cop a feel where he shouldn't be, your daughter will think about her father and be thoroughly grossed out and push him away.  This one totally worked with my girls!

2. Your teenager does NOT have the right to privacy.  They can earn the privilege of privacy by making good life choices.  The second you detect the possibility of shenanigans, you get busy getting to the bottom of it. Make sure there is a trash can in your teens room and go through it regularly.  If you see your teen emptying their own trash, immediately dumpster dive and find what they are trying to sneak out.

3. Learn and use social media. Follow them and their friends on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.  If you find photos of their friends engaging in behavior their parents wouldn't approve of, download those photos.  Use them later to blackmail your own teen into better choices, otherwise you send the pics to the parent of the offender.

A note on #3:  Of course if you find out their friends are truly doing something dangerous, by all means inform the kid's parents.

Kerfoot Canopy Tours - Zip Lining Adventures

Being the adventurer and outdoor enthusiast that I am, I'm sure it is shocking to hear that I've never been zip lining before.  When Kerfoot Canopy Tours opened in Belle Plaine, Minnesota, which is only about 45 minutes from my house, I had to try it.

I can hardly say adventurer and outdoor enthusiast with a straight face.  If you read this blog you know I'm deathly afraid of heights and my idea of getting outdoors is sitting outside on a patio at my favorite happy hour bar, enjoying a vodka soda.

The truth is I met two of the "Sky Guides" from Kerfoot Canopy Tours at the Lake Minnetonka Magazine "Best Of" party.  They were really cute and one was super tall, which is my kryptonite. If a tall, handsome stranger asked me to change a tire, despite my lack of know how I'd probably say "My jack or yours?"

My partner in crime, photographer and a true adventurer Sue Craig of Austin Images Photography and I headed out for a zip lining adventure.  We also brought my 14 year old son Jared along.

With a few of the crew from Kerfoot Canopy Tours

A short ride in an ATV took us to the zip lining ground school where we learned the basics before getting started.

There are nine zip lines zig zagging over and through the scenic Minnesota River Valley.  In the 2.5 hours it takes to get through everything, you can expect to experience:

• A 170 ft suspension bridge.
• Multiple spiral staircases, this isn't for the weak-kneed.
• A 1200 ft zip line. You don't see the landing when you zip off.
• Being 175 ft up in the air going from one tree canopy to another, overlooking deep ravines and beautiful natural areas of the river valley.

Geared up and heading up

What you don't see in these photos is my sheer panic, especially when I had to launch myself off the platform into the abyss.  This might come easy to some of you, but for me you may have well have asked me to jump into a tank full of sharks.  My anxiety was in overdrive, despite the multiple safety precautions that Kerfoot Canopy Tours take.  In reality it's quite safe.

After my cursing debacle while riding in a stunt plane with Lucas Air Show pilot Michael Wiskus, I knew I needed to find a different  way to let my anxiety out.  One that didn't involve screaming "Mother Fuc#*er!" every two seconds.

I had the idea to sing and focus my mind that way, but the only dang song I could think of was "Milkshakes" by Kelis.

So each time I had to launch off of the platform, I'd head out singing at the top of my lungs,

"My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard,

 and they're like it's better than yours

damn right it's better than yours

I could teach you, but I'd have to charge"

For the life of me, I couldn't remember any other song, but this one did the job and got me through it without swearing.  Towards the end the other people on our tour and the sky guide were singing with me as I launched to show their support.

Proud of myself for surviving the 1200 ft zip line.

The 170 ft suspension bridge, majorly freaked me out

Sue and I atop one of the tallest canopys.

Our zip line tour group

Despite my fears, zip lining over and through the Minnesota River Valley with Kerfoot Canopy Tours was an uniquely fun experience.  I'm pretty sure I would even do it again.  My son who is 14 loved it and gives it two thumbs up! 

A big thank you to my partner in crime Sue Craig for once again capturing our adventures through photos, and also for not laughing too hard when she heard "My milshakes bring all the boys to the yard" echoing across the Minnesota River Valley as I zipped through it.

Travels, New Friends and Becoming Mommalicious

I've been traveling around the New England area working on my book inspired by my blog.  For now I'm calling it "Becoming Mommalicious".

When I'm home I'm way too distracted to just sit and write for hours.  I have a household of misfits to keep in line and alive. Then there are the hours I spend taking pictures and videos of my dogs, which I then have to post to facebook, vine, instagram and twitter.

Early morning with Loki

Plus there are "work" responsibilities, the projects the Stud Muffin makes me do so I "Don't forget what real work is."  Then there is my Outside the Box column for the Lakeshore Weekly, and my usual blogging.  Plus all those happy hours don't just happen.  They take planning, coordination and time.

Recent VIP Party at the Excelsior "Fash Splash" Fashion Show

Don't even get me started on how much of a time sucker being the town busybody is.  I have sources to meet with, openings to attend, and an endless stream of handsome men to keep track off.  As a service to my community, I do my best to discover and keep track of all the good looking men in the Lake Minnetonka area.  It's these kinds of selfless acts that consume my time when I'm home, making it almost impossible for me to focus on my book.

Being forced to watch half naked men at a Fashion Show

In my travels I've met some interesting people and I've had some very let's say, interesting encounters, but you will have to wait for the book to read about some of those.

For now though I'd like you to meet my new friend Joe who I met in Connecticut.  I'm convinced he is related to the guys from Duck Dynasty.  Joe won't admit to that, but I'm thinking he just doesn't want all the attention.   He is a man of few words, but let me tell you, his eyes and quiet nods speak volumes.

I explained to Joe in painstaking detail how distraught I was over the fact that my dogs continued to eat their own poop, despite my best efforts to curb this behavior. After about 35 minutes of my sharing, Joe looked at me, gave me an eyebrow raise and nodded.  That look said it all!  I got the message.  I need to just accept them for who they are, even if they are shit eaters.

Joe is very wise.  I wish I could take him with me to my next destination.