Mini-mom Takes Manhattan

Panic attacks are not a part of my history, but I found myself feeling like I couldn't breathe, as if I was going to pass out, slouched over my shopping cart at Cub Foods, sobbing next to the brownie mixes.

My sister's and I had just picked up my mother's ashes, so I suppose my panic attack had everything to do with that.  In hindsight it made sense that I was overcome with emotion at Cub Foods as it's where my mother use to grocery shop.  I'm a Byerly's fan myself as I have an aversion to packing my own groceries.

My second panic attack was the next day when I had a horrible feeling that the left side of my back was black, empty and needed to be cut out.  It's where my left kidney used to be before I donated it to my mom seven years ago.

Apparently this feeling isn't all that uncommon in organ donors who have lost the person they donated an organ too.  Learning that made me feel better, if not less crazy.

Not looking forward to dealing with not only the loss of my mother, but potential phantom kidney decay, I decided that I needed a way to help me deal with what I was going through.

One week after my mother died I arrived in New York.  I had already had this trip scheduled.

When my mom was cremated my sister and I ordered little mini urns with a small amount of our mom's ashes in each.  We took to calling them "Mini-mom".

I brought my "Mini-mom" with me to New York.  She had never been to the Big Apple before and I knew she would have loved to go.

People have different ways of dealing with grief, and loss.  When you loose someone close to you other people tend to accept what they might normally consider odd behavior, because you are grieving and all.

My goal was to take my Mini-Mom around New York, taking photos along the way.

Mini-mom at the Top of the Rock

Our first day in New York was a tough, but panic attack free day. We visited the Top of the Rock, which had the most amazing views of the city.  You wouldn't think you could shock New Yorkers.  Try pulling out your mother's ashes and asking them to snap a photo of you and mini-mom.  That surprises them.

Mini-mom under the Bow Bridge in Central Park

 I learned quick that it was better to not tell people what you were doing, but to just let them look at you inquisitively when you placed a mini urn on the ground to take a photo.

Mini-mom at The Palm Court in the Plaza Hotel

The other thing I figured out was that if you are in a public place, such as a restaurant, it is best to whip out your mini-mom and snap the photo when you are done eating and ready to leave.  Just incase it makes the staff uneasy and they ask you to leave.

Mini-mom playing checkers in Central Park

We are three days into our trip and I've gotten very comfortable shooting photos of mini-mom, even sharing what I'm doing with people we have met along the way.  Most aren't freaked out by it.  I've been finding that elderly people get the biggest kick out of it.

Mini-mom at the Champagne Bar at The Plaza

Mini-mom has become quite the lush since we have been in New York.  We can hardly keep her out of the bars ;)

I know the change of scenery has helped me greatly.  I haven't had a panic attack or breakdown since leaving home a few days ago.  It's harder to be around the familiar.

For now I feel like I'm on just another adventure with my mom.  One of the many that we have had over the years.  I'll be home in two days and back to my routine, which I know will be harder to deal with.

I'm thinking that if I'm home and having a tough time, or the panic attacks start sneaking up on me, I'll just grab mini-mom and head out for an adventure around my own town.  My mom had an adventurous spirit, more than her body could handle.  Those adventures don't have to stop.