Travels, New Friends and Becoming Mommalicious

I've been traveling around the New England area working on my book inspired by my blog.  For now I'm calling it "Becoming Mommalicious".

When I'm home I'm way too distracted to just sit and write for hours.  I have a household of misfits to keep in line and alive. Then there are the hours I spend taking pictures and videos of my dogs, which I then have to post to facebook, vine, instagram and twitter.

Early morning with Loki

Plus there are "work" responsibilities, the projects the Stud Muffin makes me do so I "Don't forget what real work is."  Then there is my Outside the Box column for the Lakeshore Weekly, and my usual blogging.  Plus all those happy hours don't just happen.  They take planning, coordination and time.

Recent VIP Party at the Excelsior "Fash Splash" Fashion Show

Don't even get me started on how much of a time sucker being the town busybody is.  I have sources to meet with, openings to attend, and an endless stream of handsome men to keep track off.  As a service to my community, I do my best to discover and keep track of all the good looking men in the Lake Minnetonka area.  It's these kinds of selfless acts that consume my time when I'm home, making it almost impossible for me to focus on my book.

Being forced to watch half naked men at a Fashion Show

In my travels I've met some interesting people and I've had some very let's say, interesting encounters, but you will have to wait for the book to read about some of those.

For now though I'd like you to meet my new friend Joe who I met in Connecticut.  I'm convinced he is related to the guys from Duck Dynasty.  Joe won't admit to that, but I'm thinking he just doesn't want all the attention.   He is a man of few words, but let me tell you, his eyes and quiet nods speak volumes.

I explained to Joe in painstaking detail how distraught I was over the fact that my dogs continued to eat their own poop, despite my best efforts to curb this behavior. After about 35 minutes of my sharing, Joe looked at me, gave me an eyebrow raise and nodded.  That look said it all!  I got the message.  I need to just accept them for who they are, even if they are shit eaters.

Joe is very wise.  I wish I could take him with me to my next destination.

Am I Wearing Pants, and Other Irrational Fears

Between sleeping with two small dogs who have to pee before the sun comes out, and the fact that I have the bladder of an 80 year old, I'm up between 5:30am and 6:00am most days.  Either I'm getting up to pee, or the dogs need to go out.  It's a damn urination fest at my house during the wee hours of the morning.

Rarely do I fall back asleep.  I use to grab a cup of coffee and take it back to bed with me. I'd sip my Hawaiian Dark Roast, and do some reading while the dogs would go back to sleep.  These days I drag my ass to the gym, and the dogs go back to sleep because they are lazy and lack discipline.

They aren't morning pups.

I'm not sure what the name is for my irrational fear.  I'm sure there is some clinical name for it.  Kind of like how "Arachnophobia" is the fear of spiders, or "Amathophobia" is a fear of dust.  That's a real thing by the way.  Hmmm maybe my irrational fear isn't so bad after all. 

When I leave the house early, and I'm tired, I become convinced that I'm not wearing any pants.  I arrive at the gym, jump on the elliptical and spend the first 15 minutes checking and rechecking that I have pants on.

This is the conversation I had with myself just this morning, for the first 15 minutes I was on the elliptical at the gym:

"Crap it's hot in here, they should really open the door. Shit do I have pants on?

God I love Joan Jett's music, I wonder if she is still alive? OMG do I have pants on?

I should really Instagram a photo of that flag in the parking lot. I have pants on right?

Wow this row of machines cleared out fast. Shit, is it because I'm not wearing pants!"

This goes on and on for about 15 minutes, which seems to be how long it takes me to calm the heck down, return to sanity and be confident that I do in fact have pants on.

I don't have a logical explanation for this fear, which is probably why it's referred to as an irrational fear.  If there was a logical explanation it wouldn't be irrational.  I've had nightmares about showing up naked in grocery stores, maybe that has something to do with it.  I'm trying to talk my sister into asking her therapist about it.  Lana is getting tired of having to address my issues with her therapist.  She knows I have crapy health insurance. She needs to just take one for the team and address this with a mental health professional so we can get to the bottom of it.

Maybe it's just because I don't like to wear pants?"  If I could spend the warmer months wearing one of the Stud Muffin's XL t-shirts, I'd be a happy camper.  I've taken to wearing summer dresses around the house because I got tired of hearing "Mom put some pants on my friends are over!" from the kids.

Even the pups give me crap about not wearing pants around the house.  Their look here says it all.

Bitch please put some pants on!

Surely I'm not the only one with such an irrational fear.  What's yours?

Who is Your Celebrity Boyfriend or Girlfriend?

I realized this morning that I had three bottles of Kraft dressing in my pantry closet.  I don't eat Kraft dressing. I only bought it to support my newest boyfriend, the Zesty guy.

This hunka, hunka is number 3 on my"Celebrity Boyfriend" list, behind Joe Manganiello from True Blood who is number 1, and my favorite little person Peter Dinklage from Game of Thrones who is number 2.  The Zesty guy and I have only had a thing for a short time, which is why he is number 3.

My celebrity boyfriends in order.

My significant other isn't bothered by my celebrity boyfriends because he doesn't think I have a shot and I'm crazy. Today I reminded him that stranger things have happened.  The Zesty guy could wake up tomorrow and say "I have an insatiable need to be with a 42 year old Hawaiian mother of three who snorts when she laughs, and eats pop tarts in bed!"  Ya just never know.

He is not a jealous man.  Sometimes it would be nice if was, even if just a touch. After letting him know Zesty guy is number 3 on my celebrity boyfriend list he says,

"Wait, he is behind Peter Dinklage, the midget?"

Me: "First off it's dwarf or little person, you are so offensive. Yes, he is behind Peter because we are just starting out."

Him: "You have psychological problems."

Me: "Well, duh!"

Now I'm on a mission to sleep with Joe Manganiello, Peter Dinklage or the Zesty guy just to prove my point.  When Joe Manganiello is helping me out of my spanx,  or the Zesty guy is ripping off my granny panties, then we will see who the crazy one is!

Do you have a celebrity boyfriend or girlfriend?

Mommalicious Takes to the Sky and Sets a Record!

Several weeks ago Excelsior-Lake Minnetonka Chamber of Commerce Director Laura Hotvet, asked me if I would go up in a stunt plane with stunt pilot Michael Wiskus of Lucas Oil Air Shows.  Laura has known me for a couple of years and knew to ask me at a party when I had been drinking.  My love of red wine and committing to crazy acts of insanity seem to go hand in hand.

Michael Wiskus is the stunt pilot doing the air show during the upcoming Lake Minnetonka 4th of July festivities.  He has been flying for a couple of decades and has over 24,000 flying hours.  Winkus does full-time air shows March through November all over the country.

Keep in mind that I'm afraid of heights and I get motion sickness.  I don't go on roller coasters, I don't climb tall ladders, I'm the furthest thing from a thrill seeking daredevil as you can get.  I don't even like to drive up steep hills.  To say that going up in the air with a stunt pilot is outside the box for me, would be a huge understatement.

My producer Chris Vogt from the "Out and About" Community TV show I do for the Lake Minnetonka area, was also coming and going up in the stunt plane before me. Local photographer Susan Craig came along to document the craziness.  Susan is quite the thrill seeker.  The woman has jumped out of planes, gone deep sea fishing and more.  She should have been the one going up in the plane.  My sister Lana tagged along too.  She came mainly to see if I chickened out or threw up, true sisterly support.

Despite my fears and anxiety, my plan going into this was to remain calm, cool and collected and look cute while doing it.  What actually occurred couldn't have been further from what I had envisioned.  When you hit "play" make sure there aren't any kids around who can read lips.,

After we landed Wiskus told me that in all the years he has done this, he had never  heard such a long string of F bombs being dropped during a loop.  At least I set a record for something.  I was like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.  I stopped just short of puking up pea soup, or having my head spin around.  I had taken one dose of Dramamine, which is probably the only reason I didn't toss my cookies.  Winkus said  only about 1 in 20 people throw up.

Dont' get me wrong, there were parts of the flight that were amazingly beautiful.  Mostly the parts when we flew straight and parralel to the Earth, where I could take in the sights.  For a bit I thought "Well, this isn't too bad." Oh how wrong I was.

Lana, Stunt Pilot Michael Wiskus and me "before".
Photo by: Susan Craig Austin

   

If you look closely you can see me begging for rescue with my face against the glass.
Photo by: Susan Craig Austin

Straight on up.
Photo by Susan Craig Austin

At one point I was wondering why I couldn't hear Winkus over the headset. It wasn't till we landed and chatted that I realized I couldn't hear him because of my own screaming.  At one point I could hear "Relax, relax, I need you to relax."  After we landed he said I had grabbed the controls while we were in a loop.  What happened was I had slammed my thighs together with the control stick between them, and tensed up like a man about to get a Prostate exam.

In this video we go straight up a couple of times. At about the 45 second mark you can hear some kind of alarm going off, which didn't help to calm me down.

All in all, I'm thankful for the experience and I'm amazed that I followed through with it.  I'm in awe of the talents of Michael Wiskus and his team at West Metro Aviation and Lucas Oil Air Shows.  If you live in the Twin Cities area be sure to check out an event they are having on June 16th called "Fly In and Breakfast".  They will have airplane and helicopter rides, along with a pancake breakfast.  More details can be found at www.WestMetroAviation.com 

Don't miss the Lucas Oil Air Show at the Lake Minnetonka 4th of July celebration on of course, the 4th of July in Excelsior.  More details of what else to expect that day at "Lake Minnetonka 4th of July".

Now I'm off to Sunu Wellness Center for some much needed Chiropractic care.  With all my tensing up and screaming, I'm pretty sure I popped a rib out of place.

Bitch, I'm Hawaiian and I'm Fabulous!

Today I had a very bizarre experience.  I went to a local make-up store, I won't say which one. It's one of those stand alone larger ones.  I'd never been there before, but my friend Julie Swenson, who is also an amazing make-up artist, recommended a product I thought I could find there.

I couldn't remember the name of the product.  I'm having to combat not just wrinkles, but CRS syndrome, "Can't Remember Shit" syndrome.  I approached the first employee I saw and asked her if she could point me in the direction of products which would help minimize or conceal the dark circles under my eyes. The woman looked at me and said "Your dark circles are hereditary because of your dark skin."  Her attitude seemed to be that there is nothing we can do about it, due to my dark skin and all.

Now, I know for fact that something can be done about it because I've worked with multiple make-up artist who do a great job covering up those dark circles.  The woman had nothing left to offer, and quite frankly left me kind of stunned by her attitude of, we can't help you.

So, I turned to another employee nearby and said the same thing to her.  She took me over to a line of products, which she thought may be helpful.  Everything would have been fine, except she looks at me and says "Your wrinkles are because of all the tanning you must do.  You look like you do a lot of tanning."

Excuse me?  This woman just assumed that I must spend hours at a tanning salon because I wasn't as fair skinned as she was.  I'm darker than most Minnesotans, but I'm far from looking like that crazy, leathery "Tan Mom" woman.

My sister Lana and I. I'm in the grey.

 I looked at her and said, "I'm dark because I'm Hawaiian.  20 minutes in the sun and I get darker. I don't do "tons of tanning", I'm multiracial.  Additionally, I think the fact that I'm 42 years old has more to do with the wrinkles that I'm here to address."

She was making an assumption, never considering that I may be dark because of my nationality or in my case nationalities.  I was born and raised in Hawaii and I'm Hawaiian, Chinese, American Indian, Portuguese, Scotch and Irish.  Hawaiian being my dominate nationality.  I don't think either of the women were trying to be mean.  In truth, I think they were both just incredibly ignorant.

Running into one ignorant person at a business like this would be one thing, but two of them?  For a minute I thought I was probably on one of those hidden camera shows and Chris Hanson from Dateline was going to jump out.  Not the case, they were just two ignorant women who shouldn't be working at a make-up store.

This incident reminded me of something similar that happened to a good friend of mine.  She is half German and half African American, she is truly stunning.  She did a pageant and received her judges feedback afterwards.  One judge wrote "Too tan".  Seriously? Yes, it was all over her bio that she was multiracial and this idiot judge no doubt took away points because she was "too tan".

People are not just black, white, asian, or hispanic.  When filling out paperwork requiring me to check a box for race, I could pick a few: Pacific Islander, Asian, or Caucasian, sometimes all of the above.  No one box describes what I am anymore than one personality trait can describe who I am.

Recently General Mills put out a commercial with a mixed race couple with a multiracial child.  The dad is African American, and the mom is white. I greatly applaud this!  It's about dang time.

I purchased two items and went to my car.  There were tears in my eyes as I tried to make sense of what had happened and my own feelings about it. I realized that the comments, assumptions and looks of disapproval by those two women made me feel somehow wrong for being what I was.

Looking at myself in my rearview mirror, I realized that I'm lucky to come from a line of people who chose to love each other despite race, or cultural differences.  People from six different parts of the globe came together to eventually create my family.  I wiped away my tears, gave myself a smile and said out loud "Bitch, I'm Hawaiian and I'm fabulous!"

My sister and I with our Dad back home in Hawaii

Kamikaze Squirrels and Visits From the Dead

Lately I've been sleeping fairly deeply. I'd like to think that it's because I'm at such a peaceful place in my life, but in truth it's probably due to my use of Benadryl to combat my allergies.  Once in awhile I remember my dreams, at least for a bit after I wake up.

The other night I had a doozie of a dream.  I posted it on Facebook when I woke up so I wouldn't forget it.  First, each time I came and went from my car in my cul-de-sac, large flying squirrels would swoop down and try to attack me and whoever I was with.  For some reason I wasn't parking in my driveway, but in the cul-de-sac closer to my neighbors house.  An odd choice as it gave the flying squirrels more time to attack me.

They looked like this but bigger

Don't be fooled by how cute these creatures may look.  Trust me, when they are dive bombing your head like the Japanese at Pearl Harbor, it's scary.  Once I made it to my house I went to my backyard.  My deceased mother was there.  At first I assumed I was seeing a ghost.  She told me that her death was faked by the government and she had been in a witness protection program for the last 19 months.

She insisted that she was there for real and was not a ghost.  My sister came over and saw her too, as did a few other people who I can't remember.  We realized she was telling the truth and was real.  I woke up before I could find out why my mom was in the witness protection program.  In hindsight I should have asked her that right away.  I mean, she really had to have seen some shit go down to leave her family and fake her own death for 19 months.

After a day of trying to analyze my dream with friends, and via various dream analysis websites, I think I figured out what it all means.  By the way, dreams of being attacked by flying squirrels are not as uncommon as you might think.

My mom's birthday is in a little over a week.  Since she died in October of 2011 I've broken down on each birthday, Mother's Day, anniversary of her death, my first birthday without her etc.  We were very close.  She is one of the few people who really got me.  She use to say "You can't fool me. I know you better than you know yourself."  She also often said "What the hell is wrong with you!?" But, that was usually after I played some kind of prank on her, like the time I threw fake dog shit at her, which she thought was from her dog, or the time I put magnetic bullet holes all over her car and convinced her gang bangers had shot it up.

A few weeks ago I decided that for her birthday, anniversary of her death, Mother's Day, my birthday or any significant date that reminds me of her, where I might loose it, that I would do something that scared me.  Some kind of bucket list item that I wouldn't want to do because I was scared, or afraid of trying for fear of peeing myself in public.


I'm deathly afraid of heights. When I'm on an airplane I pretend we are still on the ground. I can barely climb a ladder.  On June 11th I'm going up in a stunt plane with stunt pilot Michael Wiskus of Lucas Oil Air Shows.  Here is a little video to give you a taste of what he does.

I've known about this for a few weeks now, and I've been stressing about it.  It's obvious that the Kamikaze flying Squirrels in my dream represent going up in the stunt plane and my fears attached to it. My mom showing up represents my mom, whose birthday is only days away.  So, it all kind of makes sense now.

Though I feel comfortable with my dream analysis, I'm going to have my sister run it by her therapist just to be on the safe side.  I'll be sure to share the experience with all of you.  I have faith, and am pretty certain my safety will be assured.  In the unlikely event that something happens to me, please remind my sister to go clear out the top right drawer by my bed.

My Quest to Rescue North American Dwarfs

Some of you may have received a couple of odd text messages from me over the last few days.  First let me start with saying I am NOT creating a non-profit nor a 5K to benefit North American Dwarfs.  For two days I was sick at home, fighting the latest plague that my 14 year old son brought home.

For some reason I react strangely to certain cold medicines, often resulting in me coming up with strange ideas, which I'm convinced I must share with the masses.  It's one of the reasons I've always stayed away from drugs.  I shudder to think what cocaine or LSD would do to me.

The worst of my cold med induced craziness occurred on Wednesday.  While in a semi coma on the couch I decided to get caught up on a few episodes of Game of Thrones, which I think played a key part in my unhinged text messages.  Now track with me, as this will all tie in and make sense.

Though I've always had a weakness for tall men, there is one man short in stature who I think is incredibly sexy.  That man is Peter Dinklage, and he is in Game of Thrones.

Peter Dinklage

I know that sounds odd coming from the woman who only watches basketball to see the tall hotties getting all sweaty.  For whatever reason, Dinklage floats my boat and is number two on my "Hall Pass Cheat List".  My Hall Pass Cheat List is a list of men who the significant other will allow me to sleep with if the opportunity ever arises.  I'm pretty sure he only agreed to this because he is convinced my chances are slim to none.

Number one on my Hall Pass Cheat List is True Blood actor Joe Manganiello.  Quite the difference between the two.  Manganiello is 6' 5", Dinklage is 4' 5".  I can't explain it, the lust wants, what the lust wants.

Joe Manganiello

Anyways I digress, back to my crazy text about saving North American Dwarfs.  The combination of being hopped up on cold medicine while watching Game of Thrones, along with a dash of my own brand of mental illness, resulted in me becoming convinced that something needed to be done to improve the plight of North American dwarfs.  When you think about it, it all kind of makes sense.

It would appear my significant other took the brunt of my texting outburst.  Thankfully he was smart enough to have our son hide my phone at one point, which was good because I was about to post a video making a plea for support in my new endeavor to save North American Dwarfs.

So again, my apologies to anyone who was on the receiving end of my craziness.  I'd also like to make a special apology to the little people/dwarf community, who do not need me to rescue them.  I'm definitely going to have my sister talk this all over with her therapist.  You may recall that because I lack decent health insurance I often provide my sister with a list of issues to go over with her therapist.

Sexy Siren or Deranged Nut Job?

Yesterday I had an "incident" which reminded me that I'm more goofball Lucile Ball than I am sex pot Sophia Vergara, though this fact does not stop me from finding and trying new ways to explore my sexuality.

Sophia Vergara Vs. Lucille Ball

At 42 I'm way more comfortable with who I am today, over who I was at 22, which is why I think I'm not afraid to try new ways of expressing myself, despite the mishaps that often occur as a result.  Today I'm going to share with you my three most memorable mishaps in my attempts at being sexy, which resulted in me being more Lucille than Sophia.


1. Sexy hair or concussion?

Let's start with what occurred yesterday, which got me thinking about all this.  I was working on an upcoming column at my desk when my significant other walked into the room.  I thought it would look super sexy if I flipped my head and hair forward, whipped it back so it looked all full and luxurious, then gave him a sultry look.

Instead, when I flipped my head forward I hit it on the desk.  He yells "Oh my God are you okay!" I start laughing despite my throbbing head.

2. Did I just give myself crabs?

Once upon a time a long time ago in a suburban cul-de-sac in the Lake Minnetonka community, there was a woman who decided to do her own landscaping, down there.  This is before I discovered how much better it is to wax than shave.  There are reasons why people go to school to learn how to do this.

After spending a creative 15 minutes in the shower with a razor and soap (I know horrible mistake!), I thought I had done a pretty good job cleaning up the baby making area.  I was going to surprise the Stud Muffin with my new look, but by the time he got home the itching and irritation was so bad, I thought I had somehow given myself crabs.

It was three days before I found the right mix of hydrocortisone and aloe to calm things down enough to not be scratching at my crotch in public.  Lesson learned, a professional waxer is your friend.

3. Come here often?

So I'm sitting in my car parked at the longest stoplight in the Western Suburbs.  I was twirling my gum around my left finger as I often do when I'm trying to do math in my head.  I think I was trying to figure out if I was having ovulation pains or gas pains, so I was counting back the days from the first day of my last period.

Out of the corner of my eye I notice my favorite kind of driver on my left, the tall dark and handsome kind, and in a BMW convertible to boot.  I do the classic touch my hair and brush it out of my face on my left side, using my left hand, turning my head slightly to get a better look, maybe even give him a little eyebrow raise and smile.

What ended up happening is the damn gum was attached to my finger still, so I of course ended up tangling into my long hair.  I should have just quietly sat there pretending to lean on my hand, but no.  I yell "Shit" and start pulling at my hair, which only attached the gum more firmly.  Mr. tall, dark and handsome gave me a confused look before the light finally turned green, and he drove off. I'm sure with the way I was clawing at my own head I looked like a crazed woman doing battle with a headful of lice.

Personally I think being sexy has more to do with being comfortable with yourself, Lucile Ball moments and all.  At 22 these things would have mortified me.  At 42, I know that things get better with practice.

"Best Of 2013" Lake Minnetonka Magazine Awards Party

Lake Minnetonka Magazine just hosted their "Best Of" party where they announced the winners of their annual "Best Of Lake Minnetonka" awards. This is one of my favorite parties of the year, and not just because they provide free wine, though that is a definate bonus.

The June issue of Lake Minnetonka Magazine lists all of the 2013 winners. We were able to get our sweaty hands on copies last night.  Some of the winners were no surprise, whereas a few were shockingly surprising.

Reading about the winners of the Lake Minnetonka Mag Best Of 2013
Photo by Susan Austin

As the winners were announced it was obvious that businesses in the Excelsior area were racking up the awards.  It was no surprise that Joey Nova's won for Best Pizza.  I'd personally like to thank Joey Nova's for their great delivery service, which has kept my kids fed many a night when I couldn't be home.

The fabulous team from Joey Nova's winning Best Pizza
Photo by Susan Austin

The Excelsior Brewing Company won the Best Small Business Customer Service Award.  They really are known for fabulous service and having a friendly staff, not to mention wonderful beer with a delightful kick.

Excelsior Brewing Company
Photo by Susan Austin

I'm lobbying Lake Minnetonka Magazine and asking that they add a category called "Best Looking Staff".  The Excelsior Brewing Company would take that one hands down.  That place is staffed with good looking guys.  It's almost ridiculous.  Above you have John and Rob both total cuties, pictured with Rob's wife who is just gorgeous.  Then there is Amar and Ben pictured below.  There are even more hot guys working there than the ones I'm showing here.  They serve my beer how I like it; tall, dark and handsome.  Maybe they should do a "Men of the Excelsior Brewery" calendar? Hmmm.....

Ben and Amar delivering growlers from the Excelsior Brewing Co.
Photo by Susan Austin

Best Non Profit Charity went to a personal favorite of mine, the ICA Food Shelf.  Congratulations to Cathy Maes, her staff and all of the volunteers that make the services of the ICA possible.

ICA Food Shelf Director Cathy Maes
Photo by Susan Austin

Excelsior area businesses went home with almost half of the 30 awards given out.

A few of the awards that went to Excelsior area businesses
Photo by Susan Austin

All in all it was a fabulous night.  By the end of the night I had reunited with friends I hadn't seen for several years, and also committed to zip lining with Kerfoot Canopy Tours.  They are opening in Belle Plaine in June.  I really need to stop committing to things when the wine is flowing.  Pictured below are the guys who will be holding my life in their hands when we go zip lining in a few weeks.

Kerfoot Canopy Tours
Photo by Susan Austin

Be sure to pay attention when the voting starts next year for the Best Of Lake Minnetonka 2014.  A full list of winners can be found here: Lake Minnetonka Magazine Best Of 2013.  Yours truly is also in the June issue of Lake Minnetonka Magazine sharing my favorite places to shop: Retail Border Battle.

Here is a bonus photo for you.  My friend Annette is visiting from Texas and came along to see how we party in Lake Minnetonka. I'm not quite sure what is going on in this photo or why Susan Austin thinks I should give her a piggy back ride.  I think it's what happens when you let the photographer out from behind the camera, shenanigans ensue.  Just some good clean fun.

Susan, Annette and me keeping it classy at the Carlson Towers
Photo by: Bob Edmondson

Excelsior Farmer's Market

Well spring has finally arrived in Minnesota, or as I like to call it "That time of year when my winter jeans are too big, and my summer jeans are too small."  It's time to shed my winter insulation.  It's also time for the Excelsior Farmer's Market, which started last Thursday!

For the first time the Excelsior Farmer's Market is right down Water Street in downtown Excelsior between 2nd and 3rd street.  From 2pm-6pm each Thursday you can hit the market and find all types of goodies.

Excelsior Farmer's Market Photo by Susan Austin

Now keep in mind this is Minnesota and we had a late spring.  One retail store owner told me that at least 10 people came into her store stating that they wished there was more produce at the market.  People, they need time to grow the produce!  It isn't shipped in from California, or wherever it is vegetables come from in the winter.

Excelsior Farmer's Market Photo by Susan Austin

It was also time to tape another episode of "Out and About" for Community TV, which should be airing in the next week or so.  Cameraman Tyler and I had a great time chatting with some of the vendors.  I'm proud of the fact that though this is only my second taping, I did not swear once through the entire thing.

Tyler and I shooting Out and About. Photo by Susan Austin

Check out the Excelsior Farmer's Market where you may find something new each week.  Be sure to sample the jellies and jams.  The woman who makes those does an amazing job!

Mother's Day, Sex Toys and Good Friends

I've been dreading Mother's Day most of this last week. On Mother's Day last year, I was back home in Hawaii scattering my mom's ashes into the ocean, with my sisters, my friend James, my father and a Pastor.

Scattering Mom's Ashes and Flowers

Though I've come a long way in being at peace with my mother's passing, significant dates still bite me in the ass.  Mother's Day this year was no exception.  All week long I could feel a dark cloud forming over me and I knew a meltdown was coming.

It happened the day before Mother's Day in a grocery store parking lot. The thought of buying groceries to celebrate Mother's Day was suddenly more than I could handle. I sat in my car, thankfully parked far from the entrance, and had myself a state of the art meltdown, complete with the "ugly cry". The "ugly cry" is when your sobbing resembles a cat hacking up a fur ball, while snot cakes your face.  It's not attractive.

My friend Cami texted me and I admitted I was having a meltdown in the grocery store parking lot, made worse by the fact that I was about out of tissue and really had to pee.  She offered to come get me, but I ended up driving to her house for a very therapeutic chat. After some great TLC from Cami and her dog Pluto, I was able to head home.

I spoke to my daughter before I left Cami's and warned her that I was having a rough time because I missed Grandma, but I would be okay and home soon.  Like many kids, my kids can be selfish pains in the butt, but they really come through for me when I need them.

I arrived home to a clean house, my favorite pasta, and three kinds of cake!  My kids know what to do when mom is in crisis and they went into action.  They also gave me my Mother's Day presents.  When I pulled my first present out of the bag I thought it was a sex toy, which made me think "Geez they really are going all out to handle my stress.". Turns out the "Electric Rabbit" is an electronic corkscrew for opening wine.

Now keep in mind my two older girls are 22 and 20, and inherited my open sense of humor, so it was possible that they had gotten me a sex toy for Mother's Day.

Not a sex toy

The kids hung out with me, and we devoured the pasta and cake.  We watched spooky movies and I even took a nap, which I almost never do. Grief is exhausting.

I woke up on Mother's Day feeling a bit better, but still fairly depressed.  I wanted to just spend the day under my blanket in bed.  After crying away most of the prior day, my eyes were puffier than a puffer fish.

Unfortunately no one in my house was thoughtful enough to have had hemorrhoids recently.  If they had, we would have had Preparation H in the house, which would have done wonders for the bags under my eyes.

We headed to Lago Tacos for brunch. I made it through most of the meal, but then had to leave for the car when my grief overwhelmed me again.  If I was a more attractive crier I may have just remained at the table, but we all now know I am not, so for the good of the other diners I retreated to the privacy of my car.  I'm thoughtful like that.

In the last 24 hours I've gone from a very dark place, back into the light of life, because I'm surrounded by people who care and want to help.  Sometimes I just have to let them.

Weekly Wisdom: 5 Things I learned This Week to Avoid Being Sued for Sexual Harassment or Discrimination

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't learn something about myself or the world around me.  Each Saturday I hope to share my weekly pearls of wisdom, which I pick up during the week while out and about, in a new series called "Weekly Wisdom".

1. Older caucasian Minnesotan men instructing you on how to operate a Street Car Trolley don't find it amusing  when you point out to them how your fellow Chinese Street Car enthusiast is a pretty good driver, considering she is both female and Asian.  Lesson learned: Jokes about minorities can only be shared with other minorities, and despite the stereotype not all female Asians are bad drivers.

The First Hawaiian and Chinese Street Car Trolley Operating Team in Excelsior

2.  Mouthing the words to a song while on the elliptical at the gym can make others uncomfortable. Even if not out loud as previously requested by the health club's management. Especially if you are singing the chorus to the song "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. Who knew there were so many lip readers at the gym. Lesson learned: People who read lips go to the gym so be careful.

3. This is a "Water element meant for decoration only" and not a place to soak your feet after a workout.  Since they feel so strongly about it, I suggested they post a sign.  Despite my impulse control issues, I tend to follow posted signs and written rules.  Lesson learned: Though my Hawaiian instinct is to enter a body of water, not all bodies of water are to be entered, and mainlanders can be uptight about such things.

4. When going to a couple's house for dinner make sure the wine you hand them isn't called "Menage a Trois".  If you do make this mistake and realize it as soon as you hand the bottle over, don't spend the next five minutes rambling and nervously tripping over your words, trying to explain that you didn't realize what the wine was called and it isn't some kind of message or hint.  Not that there is anything wrong with them, because if you were a swinger, which you aren't, they would totally be invited to the key party. Needless to say they now think I'm crazy and I may not be invited back. Lesson learned: It's better to just shut up and have people suspect you are a swinger, rather than just crazy.

5. When using google images to search for a picture of a bottle of Menage a Trois wine it's very important to add the word "wine" at the end of Menage a Trois, otherwise you get some very interesting imagery that you can't unsee.  Lesson learned: Think through phrases before using google images.

Making the Best of a Crappy Spring

If you live in the Lake Minnetonka area of Minnesota as I do, you have probably been experiencing the spring that never came. Snowstorms, rain and cold, with the rare nice day thrown in so we don't all slit our wrists.  My years in Minnesota have taught me that you have to get out and enjoy those nice days when you can.

The Minnesota Landscape Arboretum is one of my favorite places to escape to for some outdoor time and exercise. With multiple trails and a three mile loop that you can drive or walk, there are opportunities abound to drink in the beauty of a nice day.

It was a favorite place of my mom's, so I sometimes take a bottle of wine to the Japanese garden she loved, and toast to her memory. Unless alcohol consumption there is illegal, if that's the case I meant to say I toast her with my "water bottle".

My favorite toasting spot

One of the many walking trails

I'm happy to say that I'm back hiking their trails again.  I had to take some time off after my "piss and fall" sometime ago.  I had slipped and fallen on dog pee at a big box pet store. Not my most graceful moment in public, but I like to think I did it with style. As a result my knee had been giving me problems.

I've been going to SuNu Wellness Center in Minnetonka for Chiropractic treatment, which has helped with my knee and also my back and shoulder pain from being on the computer so much. Keeping up on facebook drama is time consuming, and Pinterest doesn't pin itself. These things take time and dedication.

Additionally I've been seeing a Physical Therapist. Not really seeing one myself, my sister Lana goes to one. Oddly she has a similar knee issue but her's is not the result of a "piss and fall". Lana has way better insurance than I do so I ride on her Physical Therapy coat tails by copying her exercises.

My sister and I have share a couple of ailments, which has worked to my benefit in not having to seek out my own medical care. Sometimes I even suggest that Lana discuss some of my issues with her therapist.  Apparently I have ADD and a touch of OCD, which are probably a result of my years growing up in a cult.

Even though the weather isn't cooperating at the moment here in the Lake Minnetonka area, I think it's important we do our best to keep the spirit of spring alive.  There never seems to be a perfect time to do anything. Be it the interruptions caused by a "piss and fall" or the mood killer of a snowy spring.  So plan those BBQs, they just may have to be indoors. Get out and support our local businesses, and don't buy warm clothes. Go out and get a fabulous summer outfit!

This Saturday May 4th, 3-7pm in Excelsior at the corner of Lake and Water Street, you will find a "Bingo & Burgers by the Bay", a fun event with beer from the Excelsior Brewery and Burgers from Maynard's, happening rain or shine to benefit our Excelsior 4th of July fireworks. Hope to see you there celebrating spring, with or without the cooperation of Mother Nature.

Tin Foil Hat? Yes please!

I'm convinced that there are sinister shenanigans taking place in my city.  Someone or someones are putting something in our drinking water, which is causing me to sprout gray hair at an alarming rate. I opted out of aging, so my signs of aging must be the result of a dastardly plot.

Recently I shared my suspicions with my hair stylist Senait, at Ovations Salon and Spa. Senait is very worldly, having been trained in France and also here in Minnesota as a hair stylist.  She has also traveled all over the world.  After I told her about my suspected sinister shenanigans, she suggested a treatment using tin foil.

Now, tin foil can be used to block the brain from electromagnetic fields preventing mind control or mind reading.  I know this to be true as I read it on Wikipedia and the internet never lies.  I contemplated Senait's suggestions and thought that maybe the tin foil treatment would also block the effects of whatever was in my drinking water causing my gray hair to sprout.

I shared my hypothesis with Senait. She mumbled something about having to go mix a color and that she would be right back.  Upon her return we started my tin foil hat treatment.

Protective Tin Foil Hat Treatment

As part of my special tin foil hat treatment to protect me from the agents secretly causing my gray, Senait gave me a relaxing scalp massage, and even a haircut complete with styling tips.

Now protected

The result is no more gray, and a fabulous hair style as a bonus. My tin foil hat treatments will need to be repeated every few months, to give me a booster to fight the effects of whatever is being placed in the water, causing gray hair.

Be aware of the signs of sinister shenanigans in your area. Do you find yourself experiencing any of the following?

• Gray hair 
• Daily ponytail wearing because your hair has no style
• Limp, flat hair
• Obsessive hat wearing to cover your gray or lack of style
• Out of control curly hair
• Being mistaken for Big Foot because of your out of control curly hair

If you are suffering from any of these ailments, you must call Ovations Salon and Spa at 952-474-8777 and make an appointment immediately! The terrorist only win when we do nothing.