Traveling With Babies and Why Benardryl and Booze Are Your Friend

I've been a parent for 21 years, which makes me an expert on the subject of parenting, or at least neurotic parenting.  As families wrap up their summer travels, I thought I'd share a couple of tips.

Tips For Flying With Small Children

 #1.  Don't do it.  At all cost avoid flying with little kids.  My rule of thumb is, if you can't wipe the poop off your own butt you shouldn't be on an airplane.  Save the cost and hassle of bringing your kids and hire a sitter, unless you can dump them on family members.  Take the money you will save and use it towards a romantic trip with your spouse.  Your kids will learn that they can survive just fine without you, making them more well rounded individuals.  Plus you will return home feeling refreshed and be a whole new improved parent.  We take vacations from work, and we need vacations from our kids.

#2.  Benadryl is your friend.  If it is unavoidable and you must take your screaming infant or obnoxious toddler on a flight, give them some Benadryl.  Not only will it help with sinus pressure, but they will sleep through most of the flight if you are lucky.  If you won't sedate your kids for yourself, do it for the well-being of us other passengers.

I just returned on a flight from a great trip to Puerto Rico.  Across from me a mom and a set of obnoxious, active twin toddlers sat down.  After 20 minutes of their bullshit, I kindly leaned over with my bottle of Benadryl, which I'm thoughtful enough to carry in case parents are out of their own supply.  I gave the mom a knowing smile, gave my bottle of pills a little shake and said "Would you like to use some of my Benadryl. I'm out of the children's version, but I bet they could split one pill just fine."

The young mom looked at me perplexed.  I realized she must be a first time mom and this is probably her first flight with the twins.  To clarify things for her I helpfully said "It will put them right to sleep and help with any sinus pressure from the flight." Well, this ungrateful newbie recoiled back like I was offering her and her kids meth made in my basement.

With a bitchy "No thank you!" she turned and retrieved one of the little rug rats who was standing in his seat screaming "Mine, mine!" at the people in the seat behind him.  Some people just don't recognize a life line when one is offered.  I'm pretty sure she asked to be moved as I heard the flight attendant tell her the flight was full and there was nothing she could do.

#3.  Set aside money in your travel budget to buy cocktails for all of the people your kids will no doubt annoy.  People become very forgiving when the free drinks are flying.  I learned this lesson when my 5 month old son had a sudden, unexpected case of explosive non-stop diarrhea while on a flight from Minneapolis to Tampa.  I thought 3 diapers was plenty for a 3 hour flight.  I was wrong.  You haven't experienced true suffering until you have run out of diapers, while trapped on a plane with a baby who has explosive diarrhea.

The smell was so bad I thought something had crawled up his little bum and died.  I bought multiple cocktails for the people around us and by the time the plane landed they were toasting his poor little raw butt.

What are your tips for traveling with small children?