Top 5 Fitness Club Tips

Nothing makes me want to slap a bitch more than when a skinny woman says "I eat whatever I want and I hardly workout."  I knew a woman who said that once.  First off, she was lying through her capped teeth.

I know this because I followed her for awhile on facebook and a tiny bit in real life.  She DID go to the gym, and I'm pretty sure she was bulimic.  I too could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight if I did the one finger toss up after.

Unfortunately for me I gain weight just by looking at fatty food.  My body attracts calories the way a trailer park attracts tornadoes. For this reason I have to get my heifer ass back to the gym.

There is no reason for me to not be working out regularly, other than I hate it. I have a diamond level membership at Lifetime Fitness.  I upgraded my membership thinking that if I paid more I would go more.  It didn't really work out that way.

The good news is I'm actually going to the gym now, and making sure I get my money's worth.  For starters I use at least 4-5 towels when I'm there.  One for the pool, two for the steam room and two for after my shower.

The fabulous thing about Diamond level clubs is they have awesome toiletries.  I use everything when I'm there, whether I need it or not.  Thankfully they keep a huge stock of Q-tips as I keep running out at home.

Because I paid a membership fee for years and hardly went, I feel like I own the place, or at least have stock in it.  Lifetime is actually owned by a very handsome Middle Eastern man, Bahram Akradi.

Bahram Akradi aka: Hunky Gym Owner

After spending some time at the club recently, I have a few suggestions for Bahram that he may want to implement in his clubs nationwide, at least at the Diamond Club level.  I give you my Top Five Tips for Lifetime Fitness:

1. New policy: Women can not show up on the gym floor wearing full make-up with their hair down.  Lifetime is not a strip club nor a singles bar.  Show up looking like crap like the rest of us.

2. If  a Diamond level member yell out "Shit I love this song" while listening to 80's music on her iPod, the staff shall not reprimand her for yelling "shit".  For some of us 80's music is the only thing keeping us on that damn treadmill.

3.  All fit men between the ages of 25 and 55 must workout without a shirt on.

4. Members no longer need to wipe down their cardio machines after use.  I'm not pissing on it, it's just a little sweat.

5. No male trainer can be hired unless he has a little bit of gray hair.  If these 20 something year old trainers continue to call me "Ma'am" I will continue to respond with "Say that again and I'll kick you in the nuts!"