How My Kid's School is Tormenting Me

Each time I see an email from my kid's school pop up in my inbox my sphincter puckers. For the more simple minded "sphincter" means asshole.

After 21 years of parenting I think I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder related to bad news from my kid's school.  The emails I fear the most are the ones saying "There has been a case of lice reported in your child's classroom" or "There has been a case of strep throat reported in your child's classroom."

Don't get me wrong I appreciate the heads up on a possible plague making it's way through my kid's school.  My first thought is always the same. What asshole sent their kid to school with lice or strep?

This invariably leads to me interrogating my child, "Who has been scratching their head? Has someone had a sore throat?"  Somehow knowing who patient zero is makes me feel better.  I just like having someone to blame.

Following the interrogation of my child my head begins to itch (if the report was of lice), or my throat hurts (if it was strep).  So not only do I have massive anxiety and feel my family is under attack, but I'm then concerned that I may have a case of hypochondria on top of my PTSD.

Most times the emails from the school are harmless.  I think they should start them off with "No one has lice or strep", and then go on to say whatever they have to say.  At this point it doesn't matter.  The damage is done.  This is just another reason why summers are less stressful.

Top 5 Fitness Club Tips

Nothing makes me want to slap a bitch more than when a skinny woman says "I eat whatever I want and I hardly workout."  I knew a woman who said that once.  First off, she was lying through her capped teeth.

I know this because I followed her for awhile on facebook and a tiny bit in real life.  She DID go to the gym, and I'm pretty sure she was bulimic.  I too could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight if I did the one finger toss up after.

Unfortunately for me I gain weight just by looking at fatty food.  My body attracts calories the way a trailer park attracts tornadoes. For this reason I have to get my heifer ass back to the gym.

There is no reason for me to not be working out regularly, other than I hate it. I have a diamond level membership at Lifetime Fitness.  I upgraded my membership thinking that if I paid more I would go more.  It didn't really work out that way.

The good news is I'm actually going to the gym now, and making sure I get my money's worth.  For starters I use at least 4-5 towels when I'm there.  One for the pool, two for the steam room and two for after my shower.

The fabulous thing about Diamond level clubs is they have awesome toiletries.  I use everything when I'm there, whether I need it or not.  Thankfully they keep a huge stock of Q-tips as I keep running out at home.

Because I paid a membership fee for years and hardly went, I feel like I own the place, or at least have stock in it.  Lifetime is actually owned by a very handsome Middle Eastern man, Bahram Akradi.

Bahram Akradi aka: Hunky Gym Owner

After spending some time at the club recently, I have a few suggestions for Bahram that he may want to implement in his clubs nationwide, at least at the Diamond Club level.  I give you my Top Five Tips for Lifetime Fitness:

1. New policy: Women can not show up on the gym floor wearing full make-up with their hair down.  Lifetime is not a strip club nor a singles bar.  Show up looking like crap like the rest of us.

2. If  a Diamond level member yell out "Shit I love this song" while listening to 80's music on her iPod, the staff shall not reprimand her for yelling "shit".  For some of us 80's music is the only thing keeping us on that damn treadmill.

3.  All fit men between the ages of 25 and 55 must workout without a shirt on.

4. Members no longer need to wipe down their cardio machines after use.  I'm not pissing on it, it's just a little sweat.

5. No male trainer can be hired unless he has a little bit of gray hair.  If these 20 something year old trainers continue to call me "Ma'am" I will continue to respond with "Say that again and I'll kick you in the nuts!"

You Say Stalker Like It's a Bad Thing

The internet and caller ID have changed the playing field when it comes to what might be considered stalking.  I'm not going to lie, I have been accused of being a stalker.  Mostly by my now 19 year old daughter.  She calls it stalking, I call it parenting.

This got me thinking about whether or not I have stalker tendencies.  In Middle School I followed a boy named Keoni all over the school without him knowing, because I liked him.  Not too strange.

In my early 20's I called a guy I had just started dating, over and over again until I caught him at home.  This was pre-cell phones.  Sometimes I would call him 10 times in a row.  Imagine how embarrassed I was when I found out what caller ID was and that he had it.

Caller ID cramped my style until I learned about caller ID blocking, then I was back in the game.  I've called an ex-boyfriend when I knew he wouldn't be home just so I could hear his voice on his voicemail.  Come on, who hasn't done that?

I've joined a gym because a guy I was into belonged to that gym.  Effective yes, stalkerish not really.

When my now 19 year old was about 15 she snuck out of the house,  I found out who the boy was that picked her up.  I knew the neighborhood he lived in, but not which house.  With my daughter safely at home I knocked on four doors before I found his house.  Lucky for him he wasn't home, but his sister was.  I told her she had better hope his parents find him before I do.

I then went to where I heard he worked and told everyone there he was a pedophile.  For record he was just two years older than my daughter and nothing actually happened.  That last bit was probably crossing a line, but you don't mess with a momma bear.  I also found his mom on facebook and let her know what evil her son was up to.  Parenting yes, stalking I don't think so.

I wouldn't label myself as a stalker, as much I would call it being passionate and innovative.  It's not like I've gone through someone's garbage.  Okay actually I did, but it was my daughter's and she was up to something.  Again, parenting.

What or who is Your Spirit Guide?

In the Hawaiian culture there is something called an aumakua.  Simply put, an aumakua is a spirit guide in the form of an animal or some other part of nature.  The belief is that it is the reincarnation of an ancestor that acts as a spirit guide and protector.  At least this is my understanding of it.  Don't go quoting me in a report on aumakuas or anything.

The American Indians also believe in spirit guides in the form of animals.  Being that I'm both Hawaiian and American Indian, I've been contemplating what or who my spirit guide is, and I've figured it out.

My dwarf crush actor Peter Dinklage

My spirit guide is the North American Dwarf.  Now, hear me out;  Being friends with a dwarf has been on my bucket list for sometime.  As is the case with a spirit guide, I run into dwarfs during times of needed protection, like when I travel.

Just a month or so ago I was in New York.  I walked out of my hotel for the first time and boom, walked by a dwarf.  I immediately knew I was protected and would have a safe trip.

The same thing has happened in Seattle, New Orleans and even Europe.  I seem to run into more dwarfs when I travel than any other time.

Despite my strong affinity for my spirit guide, friendship with one continues to elude me.  I'm wondering if it isnt' because dwarfs are meant to be my spirit guide and not my friend?  Hmmmm.....

Regardless, I'm totally into dwarf and actor Peter Dinklage.  If anyone knows him contact me.  If I'm going to have a dwarf buddy, I think it should be Peter.

Who or what is your spirit guide?