Acceptance and Growing Up

I've been absent, neglectful and not present in regard to my blog for the month of October.  If my blog were a child, child protective services would have taken it into custody.  That, or my blog would have become a crazy, wild feral child that ate it's own hair and grunted for food.

My absence was, if not with good reason, with an understandable reason.  October 26th marked the one year anniversary of my mom's passing.  Thoughout the month, each time I sat down to write, I just could not do it.

My mom, dad and I in the backyard. We lived on Oahu

Today is October.... hold on where is my damn phone?  Here it is, one of the dogs was sitting on it.  Today is October 28th.  I could go on for pages trying to explain my last month and what it was like as this anniversary approached, but I won't.

The short story is it sucked ass at times.  In the last year I've shed more tears than a Kennedy, and ate more Lindt chocolates than Kirstie Alley.  I've actually eaten Lindt chocolates with Kirstie Alley, so I know what I'm talking about.  That's another story.

On the anniverary of my mom's passing I took a bottle of wine along with my "mini mom urn", to what was one of her favorite gardens.  It is a Japanese Garden at our local Arboretum.

"Mini mom" and my wine in the Japanese Garden

It was there that I had what was probably my most healing realization.  I realized that I was truly the adult in charge of my life.  My mom would have probably said that I've been in charge since I was 16.  In truth, I was able to go out and conquer the tight rope of life, be fabulolus, crazy, and at times productive, because I knew I had a safety net.  That safety net was always my mom.

Despite having three kids of my own, two of them grown, I never saw myself as the adult in charge.  I was resposible (for the most part) but I always felt I had a safety net.

The good thing is that by realizing that I was the adult in charge, I also finally accepted that my mom was gone.  Physically gone anyways.  I swear I can still hear her criticizing my driving and lack of cooking skills at times.  She finds ways of making her continued presence known.

Despite being 42 years old, (though I totally can pull off looking 32), for the first time in my life, I think I finally feel grown up.  Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean I'm giving up drunken karaoke, or ghost hunting.  It just means I'm okay with navigating the tight rope of life without a safety net.